Marriage

Mama Said

/ Elizabeth Trotter / Leave a comment

My mom was an Army wife. She told me that things always go wrong when a dad is out of town — whether deployed or out for field exercises or summer training. All the Army wives knew it was true. 

A kid would get seriously sick, or the car would break down, or something would go wrong with the house when a dad was gone. It was a fact of life they had no choice but to accept. One time a toddler ended up in the hospital while my dad was gone. Another time Mom had a baby. (Thank God for supportive church people, right?!)

But this truism ended up applying to more than military life. Ministry life felt much the same.

I remember being six months pregnant with my fourth child when Kansas City received torrential downpours. Jonathan was at Bible camp with the youth group, and the parsonage basement flooded over fifteen inches. It short-circuited both the air conditioning system and the (newly replaced) hot water heater, which now both needed replacing, and ruined most of what we’d stored down there — books and family photo albums in cardboard boxes which we had carefully placed on top of stone blocks. 

But the water level rose above those stones, and capillary action on the cardboard ensured total damage. I needed an entire team of people to help empty the basement of its boxes and furniture, now ruined, try to salvage anything we could, and toss the rest. Later that week a nearby water main broke, and we didn’t have water at all for a while, which was even worse than trying to shower in cold water a few days before. 

After that, we stored our belongings in plastic boxes on even higher blocks.

I remember another time when we lived in Cambodia and Jonathan was on an international trip and I got sick. He wasn’t planning to come straight home though. He was going to meet me and the kids in Thailand, where we were scheduled to be the keynote speakers at a home education conference.

I had to figure out how to get better and still make it to the conference with four kids in tow. Asian airlines and airports have been checking for fevers long before COVID-19 hit the world, so I didn’t actually know if I would make it to the conference. That week involved a lot of praying, phone calling, and Tylenol swallowing.

Something similar happened again recently. Jonathan was just about to leave for an international ministry trip when I became seriously ill. I couldn’t concentrate, I was in constant pain, and I could barely get out of bed, but I somehow dragged myself to the doctor for testing. What I was diagnosed with (thyroiditis) was going to require a long recovery, but there were some medications that could help manage symptoms in the meantime. 

Then it was time to decide whether he should leave on the ministry trip or not. I was in bad shape, and he offered to stay home and care for me. But I really felt he still needed to go. People were depending on him — some people were attending the event specifically to meet with him. Plus, I had all these older teen and adult children who could help, in addition to an amazing local church family. One thing I know for sure: the prayers of the saints have held me these past couple weeks.

This illness isn’t fun. I actually got worse for a little while after he left. But the experience reminded me of my mama’s wisdom. Things always seem to go wrong just when the person who is supposed to help you navigate the trials of life is also gone. Is it chance, happenstance, spiritual warfare? I don’t know. I do know that my husband and I have often fought just before a big ministry event — so much so that he began to expect it. 

This time around we didn’t fight. I got sick instead. 

I’ve never been one to accuse the devil of much. I’ve seen the practice misused. But sometimes it’s hard not to draw spiritual conclusions. This illness was so unexpected. I’ve never had thyroid problems, and they don’t run in my family. I’m generally healthy. Yet right before Jonathan was supposed to leave for an eleven-day trip to do some really important ministry, I was diagnosed with a temporarily debilitating illness.

The truth is, maybe we’ll never know the reasons these things happen. But as every military, ministry, and missionary wife knows, they do tend to happen. The question then becomes: What are we going to do when they happen?

The End of May

/ Elizabeth Trotter / Leave a comment

It’s the last day of May, and I’m feeling creatively and relationally energized. That seems like a miraculous ending to a month of semi-sabbatical that did not go as I had planned. But aren’t most things in life like that?

After pushing really hard with work for about six months, I was weary. Then in April I sensed an invitation from God to pause and rest. To stop my busy rushing, focus on my relationships, and work on a few personal issues I’d been meaning to address but could never quite find the time or attention for. And of course, read and write more.

That was a bit of a tall order for four weeks of only partial break. (I was still homeschooling and working with our mission agency.)

I had so many lofty goals, it’s no wonder I didn’t accomplish them the way I had envisioned. First off, I didn’t finish my April manuscript in time, so it spilled over into May a tiny bit. That first week I was so tired I took a nap every afternoon. I didn’t go to a coffee shop to write. I just slept.

Then, between various medical appointments and graduating a daughter from high school, I didn’t end up accomplishing my goals the next couple weeks either.

But all was not lost – with God, nothing ever is. Most importantly this month, my husband and I carved out some time to reconnect. To reenvision what we want our life and our relationship to look like in the next (and current) season of our lives.

Because as it turns out, when you work too hard for too long, even if you love your job and it fills you with meaning and purpose, you can start to lose contact with yourself and with the people you care about most.

I had become like a stray helium balloon, just floating away from myself and the people I loved, leaving those on the ground to wonder where I’d gone. I needed the break to come back to myself — and to them.

I was dreading this week, though, since I knew my mini/modified sabbatical was coming to an end, and I felt neither fully rested nor resolved in the issues I’d been bringing before God. It didn’t matter though – I still needed to start looking ahead to next week’s return to freelance work.

And you know what? This week ended up being the best week of the whole month. I was more engaged with my husband and children than I had been in a long time. I finally started catching up on my reading and writing plans. I said yes to an in-person ministry opportunity that felt years in the making — a sweet gift.

I helped a fellow worker finish up his manuscript for publication (my first long-term agency project!), began outlining my new book on re-entry, and communicated with a couple future clients about their own projects. I felt energized in a way I hadn’t in a long time.

Reconnecting with my people, finding answers to some of the questions I’d been asking, and cultivating creativity are all precious gifts that came out of a month that, only a week ago, I had feared was a fiasco.

The experience reminds me of a chapter in our book Serving Well: “If Your Year Has Been a Flop.” Sometimes in life we set goals and expectations for ourselves but fail to meet them. When we look deeper below the surface, though, we can see that God has been orchestrating the formation and transformation we need, even if at first glance our exploits look like failure.

Isn’t that so often how it goes? The best made plans oft go awry. We’re only clay, after all. But when we trust God with the process, we find that He knows how to redeem us from our sometimes myopic plans — and bring about the fruit He wants.

5 Helpful (and Unique) Menopause Resources

/ Elizabeth Trotter / Leave a comment

I’ve read a lot of books and listened to a lot of podcasts on perimenopause and menopause. I’m sure this comes as no surprise to anyone who’s been following me for a while.

But so much of the material in books, articles, and podcasts is the same — a standard yet extensive list of symptoms with some lifestyle modifications to manage them, copious amounts of empathy and assurances that “you’re not crazy,” and instructions on how to choose and obtain hormone therapy. Some books have even felt like a basic copy-paste of each other.

The following resources are different. 

1. First up are two husband-and-wife conversations about menopause and midlife. One is from Penn and Kim Holderness, of YouTube fame. 

Kim’s experiences are uber relatable. In fact, she verbalized some feelings I hadn’t previously identified but definitely relate to, such as wanting to be left alone but not wanting to be left alone. As in, don’t touch me or talk to me, but still stay in the room so I know you’re here. Basically saying to your spouse, go away and don’t go away at the same time. Confusing, right? But real.

I really appreciate having the male perspective here. So much of the menopause conversation is female-dominated, as it should be. But many women are in partnerships, and their husbands often don’t know how to respond when the woman they’ve known for so many years suddenly changes her personality. Listening to this podcast is a good way to get the conversation started in your own relationship.

2. The other husband-and-wife conversation is from Brent and Tori Haverkamp in a podcast hosted by their local church. This one doesn’t just focus on menopause but broadens the picture to midlife, and again the male perspective is helpful here. 

The Christian perspective is also helpful. So many resources are available for women in menopause and perimenopause, including mental health help, but very few are from a Christian perspective. It’s up to the reader to layer their faith and worldview over the scientific and medical help. 

I couldn’t believe how well Tori’s experience seemed to mirror my own, including some things I haven’t heard other people saying. Like feeling that all your hard-fought sanctification just disappeared overnight. Or being so in the moment of motherhood that you couldn’t see past it to predict that the empty nest years were coming. Or finding so much fulfillment in motherhood that you confused your identity with your role.

(For context, Tori is the author of The Missionary Mama’s Survival Guide: Compassionate Help for Mothers of Cross-cultural Workers.)

3. And now, some books that don’t just copy-paste their medical advice. First is The Upgrade: How the Female Brain Gets Stronger and Better in Midlife and Beyond by Dr. Louann Brizendine. 

This is the first book I read that had a positive perspective on menopause and aging and tried to teach the reader to adopt that positive perspective too. While there’s plenty of brain science in this book, it’s also a lot about mindset, which is something that seems missing from a lot of resources.

4. The next book is Age Like a Girl: How Menopause Rewires Your Brain for Mental Clarity, Increased Confidence, and Renewed Energy by Dr. Mindy Pelz. This one’s a game-changer.

It also has mindset stuff, but the thing that sets this book apart from others is its deep dive into the twelve neurotransmitters that we lose in menopause. (Yes, twelve! No wonder we feel so awful in the head.) This book offers so many ways to regain those neurotransmitters. One of my favorites? Storytelling. Read the book for more details!

Another helpful aspect of Age Like a Girl is the chapter at the end addressed to men.

5. And finally, a book I’ve recommended before but that still offers unique enough information to warrant inclusion in this list. It’s Next Level: Your Guide to Kicking A$$, Feeling Great, and Crushing Goals Through Menopause and Beyond by Dr. Stacy Sims, and it’s still the best exercise guide to this time of life (with a chapter on nutrition as well).

Of course, I would still recommend talking to your doctor about medication options. Hormone therapy has been extremely helpful for me but must be prescribed and monitored by a clinician. Even with HRT, however, I still needed the mindset books and conversations listed above. 

Want a deep dive into all things Christian womanhood, including PMS and early perimenopause? My new book, The Hats We Wear: Reflections on Life as a Woman of Faith, is available in print and e-book versions on Amazon. You can also access a free discussion guide for your book club or personal journaling prompts.

Reflections on a Quarter Century of Marriage {A Life Overseas}

/ Elizabeth Trotter / Leave a comment

Earlier this week I wrote about our twenty-five years of marriage at A Life Overseas:

“We hit a significant marital milestone this year, though the actual day of our anniversary came and went without much fanfare. We were at a missions conference and were only able to escape for a couple hours, skipping an afternoon session to take a walk together in the July heat. It didn’t feel special or remarkable, and I didn’t know how I felt about that. I had expected to feel something.

“It was only after I returned home that I was able to reflect on twenty-five years of holy matrimony. There are ups and downs in every marriage, but for the first eighteen years, I would have said we had more ups than downs. I didn’t really have a construct for anything different.

“The last several years have challenged my assumptions about wedded bliss. I thought we would always be as happy as we had been, and without much extra effort. Because those first eighteen years or so felt relatively effortless. We got along well, and we spent a lot of time together, and we enjoyed each other. We’d been friends since we were fifteen. We thought we knew each other, and we thought we knew how to do this marriage thing.

“Until midlife.”

Read the rest of the article here.

A Prayer for Marriage {shared during the Velvet Ashes Equip Conference}

/ Elizabeth Trotter / 2 Comments

Father in heaven who loves us, who longs to know us, who longs for us to know You and to know each other in marriage, we confess that we do not always see You or Your goodness in marriage.

But we thank you for Your good plans for us and our marriages. We thank you for Your good plans for Your church across the globe. And we thank you that your plans are not in conflict with one another.

Help us to see the image of God in one another. Help us to rejoice in each other and in our relationships. Restore the joy of first love to us.

Give us the courage to say no to the world and yes to each other. Give us the strength to seek healing from You that we may bring it to our marriages and thus to the world. Let our marriages shine the light of You to others so that they may ask where we found it and want what we have.

Thank you for giving us Your Son, who loved and blessed marriages. Amen.

(Prayer written and shared by Elizabeth)