The Books I Recommend Over and Over. And Over.

by Jonathan

I like books. I also like giving my pastoral counseling clients the option of accessing resources outside of the counseling room. Here’s a list of the books I recommend the most…

Dating/Relationships
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

 

Marriage
Created for Connection: The “Hold Me Tight” Guide for Christian Couples  (Read my review and how I use this in marriage counseling here.)

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert

 

Parenting 
Families Where Grace Is in Place: Building a Home Free of Manipulation, Legalism, and Shame

Hats: Reflections on Life as a Wife, Mother, Homeschool Teacher, Missionary, and More

 

Anxiety/OCD
Flee, Be Silent, Pray: Ancient Prayers for Anxious Christians

Loving Someone with Anxiety: Understanding and Helping Your Partner

Brain Lock: Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior

 

Sex
Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship

For more recommendations on point, visit On Making Love

 

Emotions (in general)
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It’s Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature, While Remaining Emotionally Immature

The Cry of the Soul: How Our Emotions Reveal Our Deepest Questions About God

 

The Love of God/Perfectionism/Grace
The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out

The Prodigal God: Recovering the Heart of the Christian Faith

From Good to Grace: Letting Go of the Goodness Gospel

Grace for the Good Girl: Letting Go of the Try-Hard Life

 

Cross-cultural Missions
Serving Well: Help for the Wannabe, Newbie, or Weary Cross-cultural Christian Worker

Misunderstood: The impact of growing up overseas in the 21st century

Third Culture Kids: Growing up among worlds

 

Trauma
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

 

Miscellaneous 
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Walking with God Through Pain and Suffering

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*Amazon affiliate links

 

Created for Connection — a roadmap for your marriage

It’s the best marriage book I’ve ever read.

I’d love to show you why; I’d also love to show you how I use it with couples.

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Created for Connection, by Johnson and Sanderfer, is my go-to book for marriage coaching. I use Gottman’s tools and research extensively too, but Created for Connection feels deeper, more hearty. While Gottman focuses on the what and the how-to, Created for Connection focuses on the why.

I love this book so much that I turned the chapter headings into a roadmap of sorts, adding in other tools and resources.

If you were meeting with me for marriage coaching, I would give you a copy of this sheet to (hopefully) help you see where we’re at as we walk through the various parts of marriage work. [For more about what I do, check out Seeing the Hearts of the Hurting: pastoral care and empathetic coaching for marriages, missions, and life in the mud.]

OK, here’s what I would give you:

created for connection

Now, here it is again, with links to the resources in brackets. In addition to the material in the book, we would bring in some of these other tools/resources:

1. Recognizing the Demon Dialogues [The Vortex of Terror]

  1. Find the Bad Guy
  2. Protest Polka
  3. Freeze and Flee
  4. [The Four Horsemen]

Finding the Raw Spots

  1. [The Shapes Diagram]
  2. [Pain Words worksheet and Feelings Wheel]

Revisiting a Rocky Moment

  1. [Reflecting Back. I teach three parts to this: 1. Reflect back. 2. Validate. 3. Care.]
  2. [Turning Towards, and here and here]

Hold Me Tight – Engaging and Connecting [Caring for the Heart]

  1. What Am I Most Afraid Of?
  2. What Do I Need Most from You?

Forgiving Injuries

  1. [Repair checklist]

Bonding Through Sex and Touch

  1. [On Making Love, a resource post about sex]

Keeping Your Love Alive

  1. [Six magic hours, here and here]

If you’re looking for some marriage help, here’s a map! I didn’t create most of this; I’m just putting some of what’s helped me and others into one place. I hope that’s helpful for you. Get the books, watch the videos, talk with your spouse, and have a great day!

— Jonathan M. Trotter

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Created for Connection, by Johnson and Sanderfer

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by Gottman

17 years of marriage and this is all we’ve got, by Jonathan and Elizabeth (and now it’s 19!)

*Amazon affiliate links.