Darkness and Doubt

by Elizabeth

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But as for me, I almost lost my footing. My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone.

Psalm 73:2

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About a year ago, I almost lost my footing. My feet were slipping. My faith was almost gone. Most likely triggered by Jonathan’s prolonged illnesses, and some circumstances within our families of origin, I had begun to question everything. . .

Does God really exist? Did He really create this world I live in?

Are Heaven and Hell real?

Did Jesus really come to earth?  

Is sin really sin?

Is the Bible even true?

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I did my questioning in secret, behind closed doors, and in front of a computer screen. I would read blogs. Blogs I now refer to as Professional Doubter Blogs, or PDBs. They were written by others with the same questions, by people who were losing (or had already lost) their faith.

Psalm 14:1 tells us that the fool has said in his heart, “there is no God,” so maybe the community of doubters wasn’t the healthiest place for me to do my doubting. But doubt I did, and in their company. I read their doubter blogs, and never did I scrutinize. I told No One.

It was a very dark time.

One day, the darkness started to fade. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but I know where it happened: I was at church. We sang about the Resurrection. We sang about how Jesus saves. We sang about our sins and His power to remove them completely.

We sang about the wonder of creation. I’m in constant awe of this universe, on both the large scale of the stars and the small scale of the atom (and everything in between). Songs about the beauty of nature, and God’s power to create it, speak very loudly to me.

Those songs stirred memories deep inside me. Memories of the life I’ve lived over the past two decades, a full life, walking with God. Memories of Truth etched into my soul — my need for God, my need for forgiveness, my need to worship an almighty Creator. I wasn’t ready to give up on Someone who had sustained me through so much, who had changed me in ways I was rather grateful for, and whose Story has captivated me my whole life long.

I wanted to walk in Light again.

I still didn’t have the answers to some of my most irksome questions. (Annoyingly, I still don’t.) But I stopped worrying about not having all the answers, because what I really wanted was His renewed presence in my life, regardless of my doubts. (Don’t misunderstand me, I still want answers, I’m just more willing to wait for them.)

So I came back to God. I believed, once again, that it was He who had created everything, right down to the very laws of physics, and that it is He who has saved us from the mess we’ve made of His creation. After I returned to God, those doubter blogs didn’t hold my attention for much longer.

Worship of the Living God is what restored my faith. Perhaps my way back to God was too simplistic, but it was enough for me. I had found my Lord again.

I discovered He was all I needed.

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My husband wrote about his struggle with doubt here.

photo credit

6 thoughts on “Darkness and Doubt

  1. Elizabeth, thanks so much for linking this with Velvet Ashes … I hope lots of people read it. Lots and lots. I am now picturing you in front of your computer reading those blogs and searching for answers and God and trying to make sense of what was going on. What a tangible example of “working out your faith.” xoxo Amy

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