Fear & Trust

Underwhelmed by God’s Love

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by Elizabeth

As a family we recently read the story of Jacob fleeing Esau and sleeping on a stone and having that ladder dream. I’ll be honest, the ladder story has never done very much for me. Who cares about some dumb stairway in a dream? (Apparently, I didn’t.) But that night the story moved me like never before. In it, we learn that God interacts with us, relates to us, speaks to us, not because of what we’re doing or how well we’re following Him (because at that point Jacob wasn’t), but because He loves us.

He loves us? Yes, He loves us — loves us because we exist, because He made us, because He is Love. He loves us because He has chosen us, and our relationship with Him isn’t dependent upon our good behavior, our good standing, our proper obedience. It wasn’t until years later that Jacob was really following God with his heart, but here God gave Jacob an experience of Him that was so intense that he named the place Bethel, or “house of God.”

Jacob met God in that place, and it wasn’t because of anything Jacob had done. To think that God wants to interact with me no matter the state of my soul! How wondrous not to deserve this interaction with God, but to get it anyway. How incredible that He gives us His fellowship even though we are unworthy. His love is that big. And this kind of unconditional love is not just in the New Testament as we sometimes tell ourselves (or as I sometimes gathered growing up in church). No, God’s unconditional love is all over the Old Testament too. We don’t deserve this relationship, yet God gives it to us anyway — even before He sent His son.

Hearing my husband read this story out loud spoke to deep places inside me. Afterwards I tried to share my amazement. What I said may not yet make sense to such childlike faiths — young hearts that don’t yet doubt God’s love for us human beings. But I hope that planting these kinds of revelations in their little hearts and minds will help them later in life. I hope they will look back on what we taught them and be able to see His love written all across Scripture in a way that is sometimes hidden from the more legalistic among us.

So thank you, God. Thank you for including the story of Jacob’s ladder in your Word. Thank you that a passage I know so well and am usually so underwhelmed by could still touch me so deeply. To borrow a phrase from Connie Harrington, “Your grace still amazes me. Your love is still a mystery.”

 

“Did God Really Say That?” — Three Signs I’ve Heard His Voice

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by Elizabeth

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How do we know God has really spoken to us? How do we know it wasn’t just our imagination, but that it was really Him? I recently told the story of hearing the words “Forgive you” from God, and in the comments section someone asked how I knew that message was from God. She said that she had thought she’d heard from God in the past, but then it turned out not to be from God — a very painful experience for her. My heart hurt so badly as I read her comment. And it’s such an important question that I wanted to devote an entire blog post to unpacking the answer.

Before answering the question, however, I want to clarify what I’m not talking about: I’m not talking about making decisions. Different people have different ways of interpreting circumstances for decision making, and it’s far too easy to seek God about a decision, think you’ve heard from Him, and then doubt it when trials come. When things go wrong, it’s easy to look back and think you didn’t hear from God right. Situations may turn tricky and uncomfortable entirely apart from your actions. They might get complicated because of miscommunication or even someone else’s actions or sins. So that’s not what I’m talking about here.

I also don’t think it’s wise to look back and think, “Oh, I heard from God wrong” or “I misinterpreted Him.” It only brings pain, and who’s to say it was wrong anyway? We don’t know the purposes He has for us in each season of life. So I guess I just approach decision-making with the trust that even if I make the “wrong” decision, He is there to pick up the pieces and guide me along further. I think it helps if we are not fatalistic in this regard.

What I am talking about are the kinds of stories I’ve told before, stories of God whispering something to my heart. So how do we know when God is speaking to us? This is how I personally discern these kinds of inaudible messages from God:

1.) Unexpectedness. God often gets my attention with an answer I couldn’t have come up with on my own, in that time and place. In this recent story, I was in really low place. I was thinking God had given up on me because I had given up on myself, and so the unexpected nature of the answer told me it was from Him and not my own mind. Another time God’s voice surprised me was when He told me to believe He loves me. I was in a place of unbelief when the clear message that came to me was “Believe.” So when an answer catches me off guard like that, it feels like it’s from Him rather than from my own imagination.

2. Scripture. Does the message I just received line up with the truth of the Bible? If it does, I know it’s God, and that I just needed a bigger, more intimate, experience of Him to really receive the truth emotionally instead of simply reading the text intellectually. In this case, the truth of Jesus’ constant forgiveness of us as we are walking with Him is backed up by Scripture (I John 1:7), so I know I can believe it. Another time His message was about following Jesus alone and not being distracted by other things. When these truths are in the Bible, I trust these experiences to be from God, because they are verified in His Word.

3. Fruit. Does this truth bring me lasting peace or joy or love? If it does, if it quiets my spirit and brings me closer to God, then I trust it is from Him. I believe Jesus’ sacrifice is for all time, for all my sins. So in this most recent case, it’s not that I have to earn His forgiveness by asking for it each time I sin. Rather, repentance is for us. It brings us back to God, back to the truth of His holiness and sacrifice for us. Repentance is for us to feel the forgiveness that is already accomplished. And so when that conversation with God helped me to continue walking in forgiveness of myself and others, and my anger dissipated, then I knew it was from Him, because kindness and forgiveness are His will for us (again going back to Scripture in that).

The other time I mentioned, when God told me to believe He loves me as much as He loves my husband, I was able to start walking in peace. I didn’t have to strive for anyone to pay attention to me anymore, because I knew viscerally — and not just cerebrally — that God loves me. I didn’t fight with my husband over those things anymore, and I continue walking in that internal and external peace to this day. That, to me, is the fruit of the Spirit at work in my life and marriage, and so I trust the message was truly from Him, because I began to walk in freedom, a freedom that was long-lasting.

So that’s pretty much my grid for trusting that God has spoken to me:

1.) Unexpectedness

2.) Scriptural Alignment

3.) Fruitfulness in my life

I’m not sure if the times my recent commenter was talking about were these kinds of things, or whether they were decisions that had to be made (which, as I said, are much more difficult to judge). I do want to acknowledge the fear of hearing “wrong” and the fear that God won’t speak to us at all. I’ve had those fears too, and they’ve caused me to avoid speaking to God about my problems. It’s scary to ask Him to talk to us and feel like we’re not getting an answer.

I want to close in a prayer for all of us, in whatever situation or struggle we are currently seeking God. I pray that we will hear from Him, that we will know we’ve heard from Him, and that His voice will bring the much-desired peace, joy, and love in our lives.

 

May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. (II Corinthians 13:14)

God of Angel Armies

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by Elizabeth

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We sang Chris Tomlin’s “God of Angel Armies” in church this morning. I’d heard it on YouTube before, but to be honest, it hadn’t done much for me. So I had no idea how powerful this song could be when sung congregationally. I lifted my hands along with 500 other people and sang:

 

I know who goes before me

I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

 

The one who reigns forever

He is a friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side.

 

I’m part of the universal Body of Christ, and this God of Angel Armies is our God. He belongs to all of us. And we belong to Him. Later in the song we proclaimed together:

 

And nothing formed against me shall stand

You hold the whole world in your hands

I’m holding on to your promises

 

You are faithful

You are faithful.

 

I look around at the world. At Cyclone Pam in the South Pacific and the earthquake in Nepal. So much devastation, so many deaths. I think of radical groups across Africa and the Middle East and all the violence they inflict. I think of the strained race relations in my own country, of the history of prejudice and hate, and of the recent riots.

I think to myself, can this be true? Can it really be that God is in control here? That He holds the whole world in His hands? That He is faithful? That I can trust Him to be always by my side?

I do not understand. Yet I believe.

There is something powerful in proclaiming our mutual trust in the God of Angel Armies.

There is something powerful in proclaiming Truths we do not understand.

I still believe these things.

I believe He is faithful.

I believe He is always by my side.

I believe He reigns forever.

I still believe in the God of Angel Armies.

“God is Disappointed With Me” {A Life Overseas}

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Elizabeth is over at A Life Overseas today, continuing her series on Timothy Sanford’s book “I Have to be Perfect” (And Other Parsonage Heresies). Whew! These last three lies are intense. Don’t miss the end of the post where she offers several resource ideas for combating these lies.

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I grew up hearing sermons about the “goodness and severity of God” and about God not hearing the prayer of the sinner. Girls Bible study times were filled with questions like, “If women are to remain silent in church, is it a sin to whisper in church to ask someone the song number if I didn’t hear it announced?” and “How long should my shorts be?” So by the time I entered ministry at the age of 19, no one had to tell me I needed to be perfect; I already knew I needed to be perfect. And not only did I know I needed to be perfect, I knew everyone else needed to be perfect as well.

At the same time, I knew everyone wasn’t perfect. As a teenager, I knew my church friends were being physically and sexually abused at home, but no one would ever dare talk about that at church, where their dads were leaders. This taught me that the families around me weren’t perfect; it also taught me that they needed to appear that way. Furthermore, it taught me that the rest of us needed to treat them as though they were perfect. The appearance of perfection mattered more than actual righteousness.

Those are my stories; your stories will be different. Yet our collective stories may have taught us something dark and devious: that ministry and missionary families are (or should be) holier than everyone else. Our stories may have taught us that in order to serve God, we need to be super human. At the very least, our stories may have taught us that we need to project an image of perfection. Sometimes we extend this expectation to others and become judgmental of their non-perfection; other times we require it only of ourselves.

Finish reading the post here.

Jesus Loves Me, This I Sometimes Know {Velvet Ashes}

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This article by Elizabeth was originally published at Velvet Ashes, and is reprinted here in full, with permission.

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I used to think trusting God meant trusting Him for the circumstances of my life. I used to think it meant trusting God for my future. But this past year God has completely overhauled my understanding of Trust.

I’m married to a man who has all the gifts. Seriously. You name it, he’s got it. And as he and his gifts have grown more public these past few years, I began to believe nobody valued my gifts or even noticed them. Nobody saw me, I told myself; they only saw him. I convinced myself the world didn’t want anything I had to offer; they only wanted what he had to offer.

I felt myself disappearing, fading into nothingness. Very soon, I told myself, I would be invisible. Am I important? Do I matter? Does anybody see me, truly see me? In agony I flung these questions into the cosmos, only to have them answered time and again with a resounding NO. No, you’re not seen; no, you don’t matter; no, you’re not important.

I was certain the problem was my marriage. If only I weren’t married to such a massively talented man, I wouldn’t feel this way. If only he would stop shining, I would feel better about myself. I accused him of erasing me and told him I wanted to die. We kept repeating the same irrational conversations.

Then one Sunday last fall I awoke with the sudden realization that the bitterness I held toward my husband was actually directed at God. None of this was my husband’s fault — it was God’s. He was the One who hadn’t given me the desirable gifts. He was the One who was withholding from me. This was no longer about my marriage: it was about my trust in God’s goodness.

Why does the Giver of gifts seem to pick favorites? Why are some people more highly favored? If God loves us all equally, why are His blessings so unequal? Since (by my reckoning) God hadn’t given me the good gifts, I concluded that He must not love me.

That sounds ridiculous, I know. Learning that Jesus loves us is one of the first things we do in Sunday school. When we belt out Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so, we’re supposed to believe it. Except here I was, and I didn’t believe it.

I prayed a half-hearted prayer: God, please, meet me at church today. I’m not even sure I meant it. Then at church the speaker began talking about how God doesn’t pick favorites. From my seat I remember hearing, “He doesn’t like Ernie more than Ann.” I looked up in astonishment and told God, I think You just answered my prayer.

God had spoken to my mind that morning, but my heart still had its doubts. My solution was to try grunting my way into belief. I thought if I just.tried.hard.enough, I could force myself to believe God’s love for me. But head knowledge has a hard time filtering down into heart knowledge, and I was groping in the dark.

A few months later I found myself in a counseling office to debrief my first few years overseas. Conversation soon came to a standstill. I was stuck. The counselor wisely handed me some colored pencils and asked me to draw. I’m an abysmal artist, but I did as she asked: I drew a purple mountain’s majesty, a part of Creation that draws me closer to God.

The counselor asked me what that mountain might say to me. The first words that came to me were “Just Sit.” Then she asked what else that mountain might say to me, and the word “Believe” immediately flooded my soul.

“Believe what?” she asked.

Through tears, I croaked, “Believe that God loves me as much as He loves my husband.”

And with that one word from God, months of striving to grasp His unconditional, all-surpassing, non-partisan Love evaporated. God used a poor colored-pencil sketch to short-circuit my rational brain and reach inside my heart. It was a breakthrough of belief that took me deeper into the love of God than I ever dreamed I’d go.

Shortly after my time with the counselor, I encountered I John 4:16 in the New International Version: “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.” I stopped cold. For me, knowing God’s love came first, and relying on it came afterwards. How could this verse so perfectly sum up my experience of God’s love when it had been written some 1,900 years earlier??

I loved this verse so much I looked it up in other versions. The English Standard Version reads, “And so we have come to know and to believe the love God has for us.” When I looked it up in the Greek, I discovered that “know” implies a personal experience, and “believe” means to trust. I John 4:16 is most definitely my story. First I had a personal experience of God’s love, and now I find I can trust it.

My Brute Force Method had failed. Trying to trust had failed. It was only when I let go and stopped striving that I could actually trust His love for me. So maybe trust is more of a release than a grip. Maybe it’s more of an invitation than an instruction. Maybe radical Trust in God isn’t about my circumstances, but about His love.

Psalm 13:5 declares, “I trust in Your unfailing love.” Trust in His unfailing love is life to me now. I no longer believe the lies that tell me my husband is more valuable than I am. I know I’m loved, and I no longer need to slice through my husband’s heart with my perfectly-practiced, precision-cut lies.The most broken part of our marriage has been made whole. I never thought I’d be able to proclaim that.

I am daily living Paul’s prayer in Ephesians 3:17-19. I’m experiencing the love of Christ, and He is filling my life with His love. I’m trusting in Him, and He’s making His home in my heart. I feel my roots growing down deep into God’s love, and I trust its width, length, height, and depth like never before.

This is the cry of my heart for you today. I pray along with Paul, that “Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”

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Further resources that helped me know and rely on the love God has for me:

The life and ministry of Rich Mullins, especially his song “The Love of God”

Anything by Brennan Manning, especially “Reflections for Ragamuffins”

Beth Moore’s Beloved Disciple Bible Study or book

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What is the thing in your life that makes you doubt that God loves and values you as much as He loves other people??

What is God inviting you to trust Him for?