Grief and Loss

The Little Word that Frees Us {A Life Overseas}

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Elizabeth is over at A Life Overseas today, beginning a discussion on the pressures of ministry life for both adults and children.

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I believe, along with William Paul Young, that “since most of our hurts come through relationships, so will our healing.” Sometimes the Church gets stuck in damaging behavior patterns, and we, as a collective people, perpetuate beliefs in the lives of ministry families that simply aren’t true. Lies seep into our souls, and as a community we need to acknowledge them, wrestle with them, and ultimately, reject them – for there is a religious culture at work here that needs destroying.

I love the Church, and I believe one of the glorious reasons God places us in a local Body is so that we can “love each other deeply, from the heart,” and by so doing, participate in the healing of each other’s hearts. That is what these posts are about. Sharing our stories, and finding healing and wholeness together.

It is not about blaming parents or making anyone feel guilty. Rather, it is about mobilizing the Church to dismantle some of our harmful systems. It is about calling on Christians to change the way we do life together. Ministers, missionaries, and their families are the most notable casualties here, but the Body as a whole suffers when any member suffers. I believe we can be part of the healing.

But we need to do something first: we need to give ourselves permission to be honest.

You can read the rest of the post here.

The Journey to Feel Starts Small {Velvet Ashes guest post}

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by Elizabeth

Today I’m over at Velvet Ashes, sharing a story of emotional healing. In case you haven’t heard of Velvet Ashes, it’s a website that provides encouragement, inspiration, and online community for women serving overseas, and it has blessed me tremendously in the last year.

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Before my husband and I moved overseas, we met with a pastor who specializes in counseling ministers and overseas workers. At the very first session, he launched into ideas like pain, connection, and empathy. I was both unfamiliar and uncomfortable with much of the emotional language he spoke, but I was too embarrassed to admit I didn’t know what in the world he was talking about. So I just sat there, nodding my head silently.

As we continued with the counseling sessions, however, I realized that the reason I didn’t understand the language of the heart was because I had shut off my own emotions. I didn’t know how to deal with emotional pain, so I simply turned off my ability to feel — thereby avoiding the pain altogether. Our counselor described this phenomenon as an “intellectually-locked heart” or a “head-heart-disconnect.”

You can finish reading the post here

Missionary Books I Recommend (So Far)

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by Elizabeth

I love to read. I’ve loved to read all my life. I used to spend school summers doing just three things: riding my bicycle, swimming in our neighborhood pool, and reading books. Ever since we moved overseas, though, I’ve let some of my reading habits die. I was too tired to read at night. My brain was too exhausted to read my favorite subject, science. I missed my local library, just two blocks from my house. I missed its endless supply of free books. And I missed real books — you know, the hardcover and paperback variety.

But if I want to read overseas, I’ve had to accept that I may need to read on my Kindle (which hurts my eyes far less than blogs on a computer screen, by the way). I’ve had to accept that I might need to spend a bit of money on Kindle books as well. And I’ve had to rearrange my schedule so I’m not too tired to read. The following are missions-related Kindle books I’ve read in the last year. They made a big impact on me, so I wanted to pass them on to others. (Amazon links are at the bottom of the post.) I know nothing of missiology; that’s my husband’s department. At night before bed, he reads the challenging topics, like Anthropological Insights for Missionaries, Bible stories in Khmer, and counseling training books. I keep it a little lighter with missionary memoirs and practical advice on surviving and thriving overseas.

These books have been like mentors to me, and that is something I’ve been seeking for a while now. I’ve learned so much from the women who wrote these books. Reading their words feels like I’m just chatting with them over coffee, sharing life. I hope they bless you as much as they have blessed me. So without further ado, here they are:

Thriving in Cross Cultural Ministry by Carissa Alma 

ticcm Our member care associate at home office recommended this very practical book to me. I have an ongoing conversation with my member care associate, who not only recommends books but is also available to debrief via email or Skype. I’ve greatly benefited from this relationship, so if you’re not in regular contact with your mission organizations’ member care person, I would highly recommend reaching out to them.

This book mirrored much of what I already thought, but the author went deeper, delving into things like spiritual warfare and endurance both on the field and in preparation for life on the field. And of course this lady had a dozen years of experience to back up what she was saying. It’s a good book to read before you hit the field, but it’s also good to read after you’ve arrived.

Belonging Everywhere and Nowhere by Lois Bushong

benicgm My member care person also recommended this book. And I’m passing on the recommendation to you, assuming you’ve already read Ruth Van Reken’s classic Third Culture Kids book <— if you haven’t already read this, go read it NOW. So many adult Third Culture Kids have not received sufficient help because many counselors do not have a grid in which to place the TCK. A counselor who is unfamiliar with TCK issues might have trouble figuring out how to help an adult TCK. TCKs already feel they don’t belong anywhere, and now even their counselor can’t figure out where they belong?? They might start to think something is really wrong with them, when in fact, they have normal issues that stem from their rather unusual childhoods. I love how Belonging Everywhere and Nowhere normalized TCK issues instead of treating them as pathological.

I read this book even though it’s actually geared more for counselors than their clients. Earlier this year I was dealing with major social anxiety regarding both online and real-life relationships. This anxiety was, upon closer inspection, related to my TCK experiences. Basically I go into any situation (especially new situations) assuming people won’t accept me or like me. I’m afraid that my first misstep will cause people to withdraw their love from me, and reject me. I believed this lie because, historically, I wasn’t accepted. My social anxiety had never been as debilitating as it was this spring, so I had never gotten help for it before. However, understanding the connection between the anxiety and the rejection has made it much easier for me to discard my anxious thoughts.

As Soon as I Fell by Kay Bruner

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Kay is a master storyteller and had me laughing through the entire first third of the book. Then things got serious — because Kay was under a lot of pressure, and she also had trouble with boundaries. I could really relate, as I have trouble with boundaries too. I can’t seem to say no or stand up for my needs most of the time, and I just want to please everyone. When I fail to draw boundaries around my time and energy, I end up not meeting anyone’s needs, including my own, and I tend to become bitter about it. Kay’s story gave me the courage to choose my boundaries and then stick with them. Reading her words was like having the mentor I’ve always wanted. She understands emotions, speaks wisely and honestly from the heart, and blogs at kaybruner.com.

Expectations and Burnout by Robynn Bliss and Sue Eeningenburg

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Reading this book was also like having the mentor I’ve always wanted. Marilyn Gardner (see below) recommended this book as a resource when Jonathan was writing his Missionary Mommy Wars post. It was a compelling read that connected burnout to the myriad expectations women have in missionary life — expectations of ourselves, of others, even of God. Disappointments in all those areas accumulate over time and can contribute to burnout. The biggest lesson I took away from this book is that nurturing my relationship with God is one of the best things I can do to prevent burnout. One of the authors (Robynn Bliss) regularly writes for Marilyn’s blog under the heading Fridays with Robynn; her writing has a spiritual depth that I have seldom seen matched on the internet.

Between Worlds by Marilyn Gardner

bw Marilyn is like a spiritual midwife to me. She’s an adult TCK who raised her own TCKs, and I’ve learned so much from her. She has been gracious to me when I’ve been depressed and confused over my TCK junk, and she has encouraged me when I’ve felt down and depressed about my own writing. She blogs at Communicating Across Boundaries. Confession: I haven’t read this book yet. I’m waiting for it to come out on Kindle. But I love Marilyn so much that I know I will want to review her book here. I will be updating this page as soon as I can read it.

*********************Amazon Links***********************

Between Worlds

As Soon As I Fell: A Memoir

Thriving in Cross Cultural Ministry

Belonging Everywhere and Nowhere: Insights into Counseling the Globally Mobile

Expectations And Burnout*: Women Surviving the Great Commission

3 Ways to Care for the Heart of Your Third Culture Kid {A Life Overseas}

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Jesus loves Third Culture Kids. He knows their needs and he hears their hearts’ cries. He can tell the difference between normal teen angst and deep emotional pain. He feels their searching and longing for home, and he cares. Jesus knows the right thing to say at the right time, all the time. As parents, youth workers, family, and friends, we’re not always so, um, Christ-like.

Yet, in spite of our weaknesses, we have the great honor and privilege of parenting and loving TCKs. So may we, with great tenderness and sensitivity, care for the hearts of the kids we’ve taken with us.

Read the rest of Jonathan’s post on A Life Overseas.

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When Friends Do the Next Right Thing {A Life Overseas}

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Today I’m talking about the very painful topic of goodbyes over at A Life Overseas. This is the intro, and you can finish the post here.

~Elizabeth

What do we do when the people we love do the next right thing? What if that next right thing leads them away from us?

When we say yes to God, we must often say no to the places we already know. And when God leads us overseas, we enter a communal life that is punctuated by goodbyes. Just like an airport, the missionary community endures constant arrivals and departures. But God is the travel agent here, and He hardly ever places anyone on the same itinerary. Perhaps we knew this uncomfortable truth before we said yes; perhaps we didn’t. Either way, though, we must now live with the consequences of our obedience.

And I, for one, sometimes grow weary of it.

                                                                               Read the rest of the post here.