February 22, 1988

I was so angered today by a lady who said, “See, everything has worked out fine.”

With all my heart I believe that God will work out everything and I believe Romans 8:28, but how dare someone with three children and a healthy grandchild say that to me!!

She said it to me New Year’s eve and I sobbed all the way home. Christmas had been so hard but we were almost through the season when she said it. I couldn’t believe the tears and anger that welled up inside me so immediately.

C.S. Lewis, in a Grief Observed writes about a mother mourning the death of her child. The verses used to comfort, comfort only the “spirit within her.”

“But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her baby on her knee, or bathe her, or tell her a story, or plan for her future or see her grandchild.”

That physical separation, those empty, aching arms are for a body that no longer exists. A body that has no life. But my arms are still wanting, aching for that sweet smell and feel and sound of a newborn.

I don’t feel like I will fully be able to let go of all my grief for Laura until I have a baby in my arms. It would literally kill me to grieve that powerfully I’m afraid.

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Of Tulips and Death, part 1

When Your Baby Dies, part 2

“Malformed Babies” and Dust, part 3

Waiting, part 4

Still Waiting, part 5

February 7, 1988

I’m still waiting. The Holy Spirit has given me two scriptures in times of dark despair. One from 2 Corinthians 1 — “The answer is yes.” And one from Psalms — “Weeping shall last for a night but joy will come in the morning.”

Both verses had to be looked up. I didn’t know where there were. They were really just given to me. I’ve been trying to learn, “do not fear.” I’m so human as I vacillate between courage and utter despair.

I’m 18 and 1/2 weeks pregnant. I can feel the baby move. I’m getting larger everyday, and we still haven’t told anyone. We will have to soon. I feel like this is one big exercise in faith. When you exercise everyday you get stronger, you get more endurance. I hope that’s the way with faith — “tribulation works patience; and patience experience; and experience hope.” (Romans 5:3-4)

These truths are becoming more real — thank heavens! I want to know God’s perfect peace and to rest in it. I want my churned up feelings to be calm and confident in God’s ability to love, care for, provide for, and nurture me. I need to know that God is working his will in me for my good — “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.” (2 Corinthians 4:17)

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Of Tulips and Death, part 1

When Your Baby Dies, part 2

“Malformed Babies” and Dust, part 3

Waiting, part 4

January 6, 1988

“They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”

“Teach me Lord, teach me Lord how to wait.” That’s how the song ends. And I’ve sung it often. How do you learn to wait? By waiting. The same way you learn anything else. Practice.

Now I’m practicing.

At 10 weeks pregnant (Dec 10) I was bleeding and cramping… the doctor says we’ll just have to wait and see what happens. At 11 weeks — the same. At 15 weeks (next week) I’ll have another sonogram, go off my progesterone and wait to see what will happen.

Will I miscarry? And if I don’t miscarry, then I’ll wait 5 more months to see if the baby’s healthy. I’m nervous, anxious, scared.

I don’t think you can have a genetically abnormal baby, then spend two weeks at a children’s hospital and not know that sometimes things do go wrong. The odds are in our favor, but again, it’s only in God’s hands, not mine.

I’m trying to “cast my anxiety on him” — I just cant bear the weight of it.

But it’s hard to do.

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Of Tulips and Death, part 1

When Your Baby Dies, part 2

“Malformed Babies” and Dust, part 3