Home School Burnout Part 3: The Mean Mommy

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by Elizabeth

hsb part 3b

There’s more to the story than Part 1: Unrealistic Expectations and Part 2: “Mom Fail.” Much more went on in my heart the last couple weeks of summer break, and I really wrestled with whether to share what I’m about to share. I’m fiercely protective of my children’s privacy, and I don’t share much about them online (more on why I’ve chosen to do that in a couple weeks at Velvet Ashes).

I was afraid that talking about my homeschooling struggles might reveal that gasp! I’ve ever had parenting issues at all (as though both my children and I are perfect). While I never want to share my children’s stories or betray their confidences, this story wasn’t actually about them. It was about me and my own sin, and that’s something I do feel (timidly) comfortable sharing. I also felt it would be disingenuous to leave the story at “God turned my heart towards my children that week and POOF! Everything was fixed.” It wasn’t that simple or straightforward.

God softened my heart that third week of summer, it’s true. But something else happened after that: I listened to a free, one-time webinar called “Teaching Ramona Quimby: Homeschooling Your Intense Child.” I signed up for this webinar because, um, FREE. (I also listened to a free one about teaching math conceptually, but that doesn’t have much to do with this part of the story.)

The speaker listed some of the characteristics of what she calls the “intense child.” As I listened I recognized myself in her description. I was an intense child, all grown up. I have big internal reactions to stuff, I’m sensitive to external stimuli, I don’t like my routine altered, I want to blame other people for my upsets, and I don’t always know what to do with my emotions.

I began to see that I was aggravating the homeschool stress through my reactions and attitudes. Busted! God was convicting me big time. You mean this all came back to me? You mean I’m the problem here? I didn’t want to admit that. I would rather blame my issues on something outside me. I really couldn’t though.

I started having some conversations with my husband about this stuff, and we talked more in-depth about “boundaries.” He’d been telling me for a while that I didn’t have good boundaries, though at the time I’d been so overwhelmed I didn’t really know what he meant or how to implement his advice. As I became convicted that my own behavior was causing my frustrations, I could now look inside and see he was right.

Here is what I found inside myself: a deep fear of being a Mean Mommy. There’s a voice in my head that tells me I have to be available to my children at all hours. I can never tell them no. So I would let little people climb on me all the time. I couldn’t give myself permission to take a break or to tell them no. In my mind that would be withholding love, and I wasn’t supposed to do that.

I didn’t want to be mean. I didn’t want to reject anybody. But when my patience had worn thin and I was tired of being climbed on, I did reject. I snapped and spoke unkindly, or I went away and hid. Or both. Result: I was becoming the Mean Mommy I was trying so hard to avoid. Ouch! That realization hurt.

So I started seeing myself as culpable. I needed to take responsibility for my behavior and my reactions. I needed to institute some better boundaries, and I needed to do it calmly. I found that when I did, peace returned to my home. I fell in love with my children again. I was able to see and care for their little hearts again. I even delighted in them again.

The Mommy I was meant to be was coming back from the grave.

Part 1: Unrealistic Expectations

Part 2: “Mom Fail”

Part 4: Resources for the New & the Weary

Home School Burnout Part 2: “Mom Fail”

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by Elizabeth

hsb part 2a

Our January discussion helped a lot, but then I just charged ahead into spring and overcommitted myself to the blogging world. It feels awkward to admit that, but it’s true. I severely underestimated my time and energy commitments — though in my defense, I didn’t realize I was overcommitting myself at the time.

I had wanted to write about the Parsonage Heresies for about a year, and in January I finally decided to do it on A Life Overseas. I didn’t realize that series was going to be such an emotional, intellectual, and time drain. Committing myself to a specific subject and needing to write an in-depth post about it every month really wore me out. Don’t get me wrong, I am so glad I wrote this series! It was just draining.

I also committed to write two Velvet Ashes posts for the spring. These weren’t ordinary posts though. They were related to the heavy themes in the book Expectations and Burnout and were also an emotional and time drain. Again, I’m so glad I wrote these! Especially Jesus Loves Me This I Sometimes Know — that story simply burned in my heart to be told.

By the time I got to early May, however, I was exhausted. I had spent myself in writing. In order to meet all the deadlines, I had directed attention away from my children. Somewhere in the process of writing and reaching out to the women who connected with my stories, I had inadvertently turned my heart away from my children, and now I didn’t particularly feel like turning back. Noise was still a stressor during school days, and I had a hard time fitting everyone’s lessons around my grueling blogging schedule, so I felt really behind again. I know six articles in four months doesn’t seem like it warrants the description “grueling,” but these posts took a lot from me.

I was poured out and empty. I took time off from blogging at other sites and condensed a couple weeks of school into one week in order to finish the school year a bit earlier. I thought I was going to lose my mind, and I needed a break. I was so tired. I told my husband I wanted to go away for a year; he told me that was an unreasonable solution. I knew he was right. I also knew I needed some way to refresh and refuel, and I didn’t know how long would be enough.

So when the first Monday of summer break came around, I took a break from parenting — almost literally. I let myself be a “bad” mom: I locked myself in my bedroom and let my children watch movies. All.day.long. I didn’t talk to them, I didn’t read to them, I didn’t play with them. It was a total “mom fail.”

I knew I only had four weeks of summer break because of our upcoming stateside service, and I wanted squeeze every last second out of it. I watched movies. I played Freecell. I read books. I wasted time on Facebook. I didn’t blog. I wasn’t productive. I was in a very fragile state and needed to be alone.

By the end of that first week I discovered, to my surprise, that perhaps I didn’t need an entire year away. Perhaps these few weeks would be enough of a break. Already I felt like coming out of my bedroom and interacting with my family again. Not all the time, mind you, just some of the time. I still hung out in my bedroom a lot.

During the third week God did something in my heart. It began with a prayer session at church where I started asking the question, “Why don’t I want to give my children my time?” That week as I started seeking answers to that question, another home school mom asked how she could pray for me. I didn’t share all the details, but I confided that I needed help balancing teaching and writing. (This was true, but rather general.)

It felt good to know someone was praying about this issue for me, because up to that point I hadn’t done much of that. Her prayers must have been working because the very next day I tuned in to a Sonlight webinar, and it reminded me why I love teaching my children and why I decided to do it in the first place. Those three events were pivotal in renewing my desire to home school.

So as summer drew to a close, I started recovering my heart for homeschooling. I started recovering my heart for my children. I started reorienting my heart toward my children, turning toward them instead of away. And by the time school started four weeks ago, I was ready to teach again. I was ready to spend time together again. I was ready to love again.

I still had to figure out the practicalities of fitting four students’ lessons into each day. (Eek! My long-time fears actually started materializing this school year!) I still had to figure out how to get all my writing and editing jobs done on time. But God had addressed my heart problem. He had given me the rest and recuperation I needed. He had supernaturally given me the ability to look at my summer “mom fails” not as a failure but as a necessity. In short, He had allowed my non-productive summer to be really productive.

Part 1: Unrealistic Expectations

Part 3: The Mean Mommy

Part 4: Resources for the New & the Weary

Home School Burnout Part 1: Unrealistic Expectations

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by Elizabeth

hsb part 1c

I wanted to quit homeschooling this year. I had two separate crises in fact. I got to a place where I didn’t know what was wrong; I only knew something wasn’t working. I felt overwhelmed all the time. I couldn’t figure out how to fit the responsibilities of motherhood, homeschooling, and writing into my life. I kept thinking that one of those three things had to go. It obviously couldn’t be motherhood (duh!), so which of the other two was it going to be?

I got to the end of most school days and didn’t want any more kid-interaction. I just wanted to quit and go hide somewhere. I wasn’t playing games with my kids anymore, I wasn’t reading aloud to them, I wasn’t enjoying them. I felt guilty about my lack of interaction. I complained to my husband that homeschooling was stealing my motherhood. This wasn’t what all the home school speakers and writers promised would happen if I chose to home school. Everything was supposed to be peaches and cream! Rainbows and butterflies! Pony rides in May sunshine!

A friend (and fellow home school mom) said I sounded like I was in burnout. My husband kept asking me if I wanted to put the kids in school. I kept hesitating. We were finally able to sit down to talk about homeschooling in January. I’m the kind of person who feels overwhelmed and doesn’t even know where to begin problem-solving. I need someone to talk it out with me and guide me through it.

So we talked. We talked about what homeschooling gives our family. Things like:

  1. We can take our vacations and home assignments whenever, and sick days are easy to make up.
  2. We have long leisurely family breakfasts where we sit and talk together.
  3. We don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn to have said family breakfast.
  4. As long as the environment is quiet and peaceful, I do actually enjoy teaching, especially subjects like math and science.

We also talked about what made homeschooling so stressful for me. I had to think for a while to come up with answers that didn’t include the word “everything”:

  1. I was extremely far behind on read-alouds, and it was majorly stressing me out. Our Sonlight curriculum chooses historical fiction novels that correspond to our history lessons, and Mom is supposed to read them aloud during the school day. I was really uptight about these read-alouds. I feared my children would not receive a thorough education if they did not hear me read all this historical fiction to them. But I couldn’t find consistent time to read the books. The daily readings were rather long. That meant I would get really behind if I missed even one day, and by that time I had missed a lot of days. I felt perpetually behind and would not allow myself to read something for fun if I hadn’t finished the “assigned” book. This meant we never read anything for fun. The Sonlight read alouds are supposed to be fun, but to me they still felt like school, and I wasn’t having any fun. On top of that, I missed reading to my kids. When they were younger and had less schoolwork to do, I was able to read to them for hours each day. All the Sonlight books, plus extras from the library. With the loss of read-alouds, I felt like my bonding time with my kids had been snatched away.
  2. I worried over what I would do if I ever had trouble teaching a particular subject to a particular child.
  3. There was also the fact that four children in one house can get rather loud rather quickly. Chaos due to age gaps is what home school moms have to deal with if they happen to have more than one child. How to keep your young ones quietly entertained while older ones work? That is the age-old question for home school moms, and its answer had been eluding me.
  4. Additionally, I had been freaking out for years about how to teach four different levels at the same time. Even when I was only teaching 2 levels, I worried about adding the 3rd and 4th. I dragged this fear around with me each year. I carried it through each day I didn’t quite finish everything I intended to finish. I was so afraid of what the future would hold. (Worry is a common theme with me, have you noticed?)

At this point my husband noted something important: Sending the kids to school wouldn’t cure all my parenting woes. School wasn’t some magic elixir. I might not have the burden of teaching them, true, but I’d have to get up early each morning to get them ready to leave. I’d have to pack lunches each day and check homework and organize transportation to and from school. We wouldn’t have our peaceful, unrushed mornings, and I knew I would miss that family time. Sending my kids to school, just like schooling them at home, was going to have both pros and cons.

So we talked about targeted solutions for specific problems. Most of these solutions came in the form of permission. Permission not to read the assigned historical fiction. Permission to read what I want to read to them. Permission to get tutors or outside help if I ever felt the need.

Permission. Was it really that simple?? All I know is that releasing some of those expectations lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. Astonishing how such a simple statement (“I don’t have to read the Sonlight read-alouds”) could so unburden me. Oh I knew in theory that you can’t do every Sonlight assignment. The company says that. Experienced Sonlight moms say that. But I had never internalized it. I had never applied it to my own classroom. Now I had the chance.

Next on the to-do list was searching for a good time to actually read together. As I mentioned, even though I wanted to read, I was having difficulty finding the space in our days. When I stopped pressuring myself to read Sonlight’s books, when the read-aloud timeline was lifted, I found I could squeeze reading into our day.

I started reading aloud during lunchtime. Now, I eat quickly and read while everyone else eats. When we finish eating, I clean up, and we move to the living room where we keep reading. With this approach I’m able to read about 45 minutes each day, and we all love reading together again.

I didn’t find a solution for my fears about teaching four levels at once. I just sort of put the worry off until tomorrow. But hey, that’s Biblical, right? “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Relinquishing the expectation to read every single Sonlight read aloud was enough for now. I could deal with the other stuff later.

Part 2: “Mom Fail”

Part 3: The Mean Mommy

Part 4: Resources for the New & the Weary

A Few of My Favorite Things {July 2015}

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A new installment of My Favorite Things! I’m including some old favorites of mine again, in addition to new favorites from the last month or so. Enjoy! ~Elizabeth

som2

BOOKS

From Good to Grace by Christine Hoover. Similar to Emily Freeman’s Grace for the Good Girl, which I recommended last time, this book is about applying the gospel of Grace to everyday life. But honestly, I can never get enough good teaching on Grace, so the more the merrier, I say. 🙂 Christine’s book is so good I underlined practically the entire first chapter.  Then I read the second chapter and underlined practically that entire chapter too. You can get a taste for her material through her book club videos.

Leading on Empty by Wayne Cordeiro (or as my husband prefers to call it, Dead Leader Running). In all seriousness, though, I read this book 7 months ago, and it changed my life. It details Cordeiro’s own messy burnout and subsequent recovery. The most significant thing this book did was give me permission to take personal retreat days, something Cordeiro promises will “renew your hunger.” My husband had been recommending this kind of getaway for a long time before I actually felt I had the freedom to do it. Reading this book gave me that freedom.

I’ve only taken two of these retreats — once for six hours and once for three — but even after those short times, I experienced the sense of renewed hunger that Cordeiro talks about. I could go on and on about how much I loved my personal retreats (Katie Orr calls them God-Dates), but I don’t have time for that in this blog post. 🙂 And the fact that these two personal retreats were so effective for me is testament to the fact that retreat times don’t have to be uber-regular or uber-long. A little bit of unplugged time goes a long way.

Dangerous Calling by Paul David Tripp. Tripp wants people in ministry to apply the gospel to our own lives, something he sees is missing from ministry/missionary culture today. After I read this book about 6 months ago, I started asking myself the question, “Whose kingdom am I building?” It’s such a simple question, and if I answer it honestly, it can make ministry, social media, and blogging decisions easier. There’s much more in the book, but that was my biggest take-away. You can listen to Paul talk about the book and why he wrote it in this this short video.

When Breaks the Dawn. This third book in Janette Oke’s “When Calls the Heart” series continued to entertain me with cross-cultural stories, and I found lots of parallels to missionary life. Fiction is consistently cathartic for me and helps me cry when I need to get the tears out but can’t.  I’ve also recently taken to reading fiction before bed in an attempt to disconnect from daily life and prepare for sleep.

BLOG POSTS

Raw by Laura Hamm Coppinger. This series from my old camp counselor-turn-blogger tells her story of encountering grace. I felt like she was describing my own story; she just might give words to your struggles too. It’s worth the read, especially if you’re currently on a spiritual/emotional healing journey. Start with Raw and click on the bottom of each post to the next in the series, all the way through to Journey (for 11 posts in all).

Go Back to the Broken Places by Rachel Pieh Jones. This piece resonated deeply with me and perfectly described my experience of going back to Fort Riley, the last Army post my family was stationed at. When I walked up to those quarters, I cried. I couldn’t hold back the tears, and I didn’t even know why. Now I know why. We must go back to the broken places.

How to Know if You are a Pre- or Post-Griever (and why it matters) by Amy Young. This Velvet Ashes post explains why I can’t stop crying for the 3 months before people leave in May: I’m a Pre-Griever. Read it to find out which one you are, and why you need to know this about yourself.

I Miss Reading Books by Annie Downs. This post reflects my own experience in realizing I was not reading enough books or giving my soul enough breathing space, and choosing to do both again. I was relieved to know I’m not alone on this journey.

We Are Better Together by Lindsey Smallwood. A beautiful portrait of two women needing each other and of the God who knew they would, so He orchestrated their friendship. God has done this same thing for me over the years, and it’s true, we are better together.

Sapphira by Rebecca Faires. This devotional from She Reads Truth highlights the seriousness of sin so we can see the true magnitude of grace. As I’ve said before, I never tire of the gospel message. She Reads Truth blog posts don’t focus on the author (you have to search a bit to find the author), but when I looked to see who wrote it, I noticed that it was the same woman who wrote Crucify Him during Lent this year, another one that really stuck with me. I don’t know Rebecca Faires, but I like the way she tells the gospel story.

Acknowledging the Pain by Danielle Hance – This post was from Spiritual Formation week on Velvet Ashes. She’s honest about pain and suffering and uses the very words of the Son of God on the cross to give us permission to be honest with God, too.

The Grove: Spiritual Formation by Patty Stallings. Patty is always wise and true and inspirational.  This post discusses what spiritual formation is and isn’t, and also, Who is actually responsible for our spiritual growth.

VIDEOS AND PODCASTS

Out and About from Sarah Bessey. You may as well know I’m a huge Sarah Bessey fan. Her writing and speaking is all kindness, gentleness, love, and grace — a rare thing these days. I love the way she speaks of her mothering, which is very similar to mine. I love how she meshes creativity and motherhood and really seems at peace with God (and His church). Watch the Whole Mama interview that’s embedded in the post, and click on the link to the Spark My Muse podcast. Sarah Bessey doesn’t disappoint!

Google Translate FAIL from Aaron Bratcher. I could not stop laughing when I first saw this my first year in Cambodia. Could.not.stop. It’s especially funny if you’re currently or have recently been in language learning. Many of the Google-translated phrases are now part of our family vernacular.

Facebook Friends Song from Studio C.  Everything from Studio C (a Mormon group) is squeaky clean, though with varying degrees of hilarity. This particular one made me laugh so hard I cried. (Although I take exception to the New Mom. New Mom: You are not annoying to me! I heart your pictures. In fact I’m “Liker” when it comes to your baby pictures, so pretty please keep ’em comin’!)

Also from Studio C, Miss Frizzle’s Performance Review, for the Magic School Bus lovers among us, and one on Channel Surfing.

What Playing Cricket Looks Like to Americans. Also made me laugh so hard I cried. And momentarily stopped breathing.

NFL 2015 from Bad Lip Reading. Sorry, I know I’ve shared this one before, but I just can’t help myself with the funny videos today. Most of these phrases made it into our family vernacular too.

Enjoying the God Who Ignites the Stars {Velvet Ashes}

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Elizabeth is over at Velvet Ashes today, talking about one of the big ways she enjoys God.

glorify

“What is the chief end of man?” asks one of the Protestant catechisms. Its answer captivates me: “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” What a privilege, what a beautiful and lofty purpose we’ve been given! For me, one of the best ways to enjoy God is to revel in the heavens He has stretched out like a curtain (Isaiah 40:22).

I was once so enthralled by an astronomy article that I announced over the dinner table, “Did you hear the latest about black holes?” I had inserted this statement into an Avengers conversation that had apparently been going on without me, much to my family’s amusement. I was forced to defend myself against their laughter: “Black holes are important! The more you know about the heavens, the closer you get to God.”

I actually believe that. The truest thing I know is the very first verse in the Bible: “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” When I lose my way, it is the rock I return to. When my faith begins to capsize, it is the lifeboat that rescues me. In those times, no other theology will do. No other verse matters — only what I see in the stars.

“The Lord merely spoke and the heavens were created. He breathed the word, and all the stars were born. For when He spoke, the world began! It appeared at His command” (Psalm 33:6,9). I can’t get over this truth. It never loses its wonder for me. It is the splendor of creation ex nihilo, something out of nothing. This one thing I know for sure: He speaks, and creation begins. He speaks, and stars appear. He speaks, and we come into existence. Light, energy, mass – all were created at His command.

Finish reading the post here.