friendship

by Elizabeth

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About a year ago I led a discussion on female friendships with a group of teen girls. In preparation for that class, I asked some ladies whose friendship I highly value for their wisdom on cultivating and nurturing healthy, God-honoring friendships.

What they said was so rich — and is still so rich — that I wanted to share it with you (with their permission of course). I hope you will read through their words and then at the end share your own wisdom and experiences.

“Tenderness is the first thing I think of. It stuns me every time. I think time is a huge piece of the friendship process. It takes time and shared experiences — some of which you can create and some that just happen to you mutually as you go through things together. Good communication is super important, just like in marriage. Good listening skills.

There are rhythms to friendship too, and knowing that and not freaking out about it is important if you are in a long-term friendship. Sometimes the friendship is wide, sometimes it is deep, depending on what’s happening to the people involved.”

–from Teresa, my dear friend of 12 years (8 together and 5 apart). She’s the one who wrote this popular article about our friendship after I moved across the ocean.

“The main thing I can think of with girls is that it’s just as important to be equally yoked in your closest friendships as it is in a marriage relationship, and that we get in trouble when we start comparing ourselves to someone else (in a discontented way).”

–from Sarah, my dear friend since university days (15 years and counting).

“Female friendships are vital in my life because we are designed to be a part of community. Some characteristics that I think are important with girlfriends are honesty — if something is bothering you or you feel like God is calling you to talk about something with your girlfriend it’s crucial to listen and be honest with friends instead of letting a conflict or problem come between you. Also vulnerability, so your friends can see ‘the real you.’

With vulnerability comes accountability, and this is my absolute favorite part of friendships because it’s truly a beautiful depiction of the church when friends see our weaknesses and can still love us but encourage and help us change! Pitfalls in friendships from my life are when I compare myself to friends or begin to judge other girlfriends when this happens I am not able to have a true godly friendship that is honoring to the Lord.”

–from Chelsea, a former youth group member who’s been a dear friend for 10 years now

So to recap, some of the most important qualities in our friendships are:

Tenderness
Spending time together
Maintaining honesty in our communication
Listening well
Vulnerability – letting people see the “real you”
Accepting accountability for our shortcomings
Accepting the various rhythms in our lives
Being “equally yoked” – cultivating close friendships with other believers
Avoiding comparison and jealousy
Staying humble and avoiding judgment

What about you? How have you experienced female friendships, either in positive or negative ways? What are the things you’ve learned along the way? Anything to add to our list?

Bonus: Books

Melanie Shankle wrote my absolute favorite book on friendship: Nobody’s Cuter Than You. I laughed so hard, and then I cried so hard. I loved it so much I bought a copy for all the ladies on my team. You can watch the book trailer here.

Christine Hoover wrote my absolute favorite modern book on grace from a female author: From Good to Grace. (Did you catch how I left space for my favorite modern book on grace from a male author — Tim Keller’s The Prodigal God?). Anyway, Christine is coming out with a new book called Messy Beautiful Friendship. I haven’t read it yet, but I know it’ll be good, and she’s been publishing a series of blog posts highlighting some of the book’s content that you might want to check out.

by Elizabeth

These days people toss around the words “authentic” and “vulnerable” as if they were brand new ideas. As if no one had ever experienced them before. As if they weren’t already there for the taking.

These statements sound strange to me when all along, I’ve been quietly receiving the benefits of authentic community and vulnerable relationships – and in the Church no less, a place people often complain they can’t find any community. And to further confound stereotypes, I’ve found this type of friendship even as a ministry wife.

I don’t think we need special buzzwords to validate our experiences. I’ve been inviting people into my home and into my heart for nigh unto 16 years. I’ve been developing real, honest, gritty relationships as long as I’ve been of age — as did my husband’s parents before me. And that was back in the 80’s and 90’s, before people began being vulnerable and authentic with each other (or at least before the words were trendy).

They invited people into their messy home to talk about their messy pasts and their messy relationships and their messy eating disorders. No one needed to validate them. No one needed to approve them. No one needed to give them permission. They simply lived, and they simply did fellowship the way believers have been doing it for thousands of years: open, honest, and real. In community. Before community was “buzzing.”

God designed us to have these kinds of relationships, and His people have been tasting of them for thousands of years. We need only look to Ruth & Naomi or David & Jonathan to realize this.

So when you develop relationships that are authentic and vulnerable, don’t delude yourself into thinking you’re doing something new or novel. Rather, tell yourself that you’re doing something holy and good, something God created you to do, and something that brings Him pleasure.

May you remember that you stand on holy ground when you partake of the ancient practice of community. May you honor the memory of friends who have walked with you into authenticity and vulnerability in the past. May you lift your hands to heaven in thanksgiving for the friends who are currently walking with you through the storms of life. And if through some tragedy you have never had your own safe and secure people, may the wind of the Holy Spirit blow some your way.

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And because I’ve been feeling extra sentimental lately, here’s one of my favorite songs on fellowship, from the dark ages of the 1990’s and sung by the group Acappella.

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