Gaslighting

by Elizabeth

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Gaslighting. The first time it happens to you, you may be unimaginably confused. You may not know what is going on for years — maybe even decades. But once you see gaslighting for the manipulative mess it really is, you won’t be so easily confused (or controlled) the next time.

I’m going to describe just one aspect of gaslighting, the aspect I’m most familiar with: false accusations. For years I was confused by false accusations. I knew I had not done the things I and my loved ones were accused of doing. I thought if I could just explain what really happened, that my accuser would finally understand and agree that I — and we — did not do those things.

I misunderstood. I thought truth was the goal. I was wrong. Truth was never the goal. Manipulation was the goal. Control was the goal. But truth was never the goal. Unfortunately, pain was the result.

Today we are in an era of Me Too, a long-overdue time when victims of abuse absolutely must be heard and cared for. I’ve been an advocate for victims in the past. So has my husband.

But I was double minded. On the one hand, I knew we needed to believe victims when they get brave enough to tell their (oftentimes horrific) stories. On the other hand, I was afraid that advocating for victim stories meant that all accusations should be believed, even and including the false accusations that I (and other loved ones) had been receiving for years.

I feared that advocating for Me Too would automatically mean that all accusations of abuse of any kind would be believed. I feared that in an atmosphere of victims speaking out, that someone might believe the kinds of accusations that had been leveled against us. Being in public ministry, this was a double fear. It was not just about the truth, it was not just about my good name. I was also afraid of false accusations wrecking our ministry. Destroying any positive influence we had. And even dissolving our salary.

This is a false fear. Just because we need to listen to the stories of abuse victims doesn’t mean that there aren’t also false accusations out there. We must take in the entire context of a story. And the entire context is that an abuser will abuse. They will hurt you on purpose, over and over and over again. And a gaslighter will gaslight. They will accuse you of doing and saying things you never, ever did. Things you would never, ever dream of doing or saying. That’s why it’s so confusing.

To top it all off, the things the gaslighter accuses you of are often the very sins they are themselves guilty of. But until you know your gaslighter much better, you won’t realize they are accusing you of their own sins, their own crimes. That’s part of why it can take so long to see it, the first time it happens to you. Gaslighters are masters at control and manipulation, so they will hide their sins from you. You won’t know they are projecting their sins onto you. You won’t know where the false allegations came from. You will think they are coming out of thin air. You will think you can clear up the “misunderstanding” with better communication. But you can’t clear it up, because those accusations didn’t come out of thin air: they came from inside the gaslighter.

But you don’t know any of this the first time it happens to you. The first time it happens, it feels like the ground is falling out from under you. You start to doubt your memory, even if you (like me) have always had an exceptional memory. You think to yourself that you never did that thing. You KNOW you never did that thing. But when someone else is so insistent that you did or said that thing, you start to wonder if maybe you did do that thing, and that you just don’t remember it. It’s absolutely crazymaking.

Eventually you might receive such outrageous accusations that you do in fact know you never did those things. That is about the time you start to see the gaslighting for what it is: behavior meant to entrap you.

But wait, there’s more to it than that. Sometimes a gaslighter will pop in with wonderful acts of kindness. They will spend money on you, give you a gift, spend a lovely afternoon with you. They will suddenly be super sweet and kind to you after months or years of nastiness. Don’t be fooled by this tactic, either. It’s also meant to confuse you. You will think, that person was so cruel to me, but now they are being so kind, maybe they really aren’t that bad. Maybe they are someone I really do want in my life.

Except they aren’t someone you want in your life. You will always be on edge around them, fearing the next false accusation while simultaneously hoping like a heroine addict for the next act of kindness. That heroine reference is no joke. Experiments have been done showing that rats get more addicted to drug dispensers that unpredictably dispense the drugs. More addicted to unpredictable dispenser than predictable dispensers. Being rewarded unevenly is more addictive that being rewarded evenly. That’s because you never know what you’re going to get, and you’re always hoping that this will be the time you will get the drug (or the kindness).

So you stay. You wait. You hope for goodness, you hope for change. You hope for something better. And because you occasionally get treated better, you keep sticking around thinking it’s going to happen again. Even though most of the treatment is cruel and manipulative. Even though you don’t feel safe, ever — even when the kindness is pouring out, because you know deep down the kindness won’t last. But those confusing messages of cruelty and kindness will keep you there in the clutches of the gaslighter.

It’s very difficult to see, the first time it happens to you. It may take years of pain and even time in a counselor’s office, working through what you think are YOUR issues, to see that the issue was never yours to begin with. The simple truth is that you were dealing with a manipulator. A gaslighter. And it’s not your fault. But it is your responsibility. To run. To put up boundaries between yourself and your gaslighter. To do the hard work of releasing yourself from guilt over staying in an unhealthy relationship so long, because you didn’t know any better. And truly, you didn’t know. But when you do know, you can protect yourself. You can get out.

And you need to get out, even if getting out means that your gaslighter will tell lies about you to other people, lies that are believed because gaslighters are very good at manipulating emotions in other people (beginning with yours!). Getting out of a relationship with a gaslighter means you have to accept that other people might believe the gaslighter. That’s ok. What other people believe about you is not your responsibility, even if it’s unjust and unfair. (And believe me, I know how unjust and unfair it is!) Getting away from a toxic person is good and healthy for you, even if your reputation takes a hit. Being with a toxic person is a continuous hit on your heart and your soul. It’s better to get out, even if false accusations come later.

Here’s the thing about false accusations: they’re false. You know, and God knows, and the people who really know you, also know that they are false. Of course an accuser is going to accuse. Of course an abuser is going to abuse. That is what they do. That is what you can expect them to do. It shouldn’t surprise us when liars lie and stealers steal and abusers abuse and gaslighters gaslight. If we are still afraid of our gaslighter making public, false accusations, then we are living in fear. We are still under their control. We are still under their spell. We are always looking over our shoulders, desperately afraid the other shoe will drop, and they will “ruin” everything.

But I think we need to tell and live a different story. In situations like these I think the bravest, sanest thing we can do is refuse to be afraid of false accusations from a habitual false accuser. We can choose to live FREE.

Four Tools of Spiritual Manipulators

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by Jonathan

I grew up in a very conservative subculture of an already conservative homeschool culture, in a pretty conservative stream of the Christian faith. Though I learned much from these experiences and am grateful for them, they laid the foundation for spiritual manipulation later in life. The Manipulators used words and phrases that I had heard before. They seemed biblical and very right, but they were not.

I had been groomed for this. My family of origin was very loving, but that did not prevent me from absorbing patterns of interaction that left me wide open to spiritual manipulation. A foundation had been laid that gave the Manipulators their tools—tools that inflicted deep pain. Tools that I’m just now beginning to recognize.

My hope is that this article will expose these tools and show how manipulators wield them. Many spiritual manipulators follow a pattern. They use the same key words, the same accusations, the same tactics.  Their weapons can leave the Target breathless, alone, and without recourse.  There is no safe place to hide.  If you’ve ever been targeted, you’ll know the pain and confusion these four tools can inflict.

In brief, spiritual manipulators tend to use four tools: they accuse the Target of disrespect, gossip, pride, and having a “blind spot.”  Manipulators love using these four accusations, regardless of their truth. They are easy to drop on people, and usually the purpose is not to bring the Target back to Jesus, but to manipulate the Target and/or protect the Manipulator.

If you are accused of these things, examine the accusations carefully. Seek God’s counsel and the wisdom of trusted friends. It took years for me to recover from some of these accusations, and that only happened after many mature church leaders and friends (and a good therapist) countered and defused them.

TOOL #1: Disrespect

When the Manipulator senses any sort of disagreement or eroding influence, he or she will accuse the Target of disrespect. Manipulators will often start with the accusation of disrespect, hoping the Target will apologize quickly and stop whatever action is “disrespectful.”

Be very, very careful when you hear the word “respect” being thrown around, especially in conflict. In controlling religious circles, it is a magical tool used to shut people up. It is often used by Manipulators to protect those in power, believing that if everyone would just be quiet and “respectful,” it would all be okay. But the trouble is, the minute you have to start demanding respect, you’ve lost it. Yes, of course, we are told to respect those in authority, the government, church leaders, etc. However, that truth is not a prohibition on kindly disagreeing and respectfully bringing up things you see as inconsistencies or flaws.

If you’re accused of disrespect, check your motives, check with some trusted counselors outside the situation, and watch out for Tool #2.

TOOL #2: Gossip

Manipulators will use a w i d e definition of gossip—and apply it liberally.  They love labeling any negative talk “gossip,” even if it’s not. They will preach about it, talk about it, and elevate the sin of gossip to the level of blasphemy. By labeling all talk of this sort “gossip,” they magically remove their own responsibility to deal with the truth.

Be aware that despite all the preaching and teaching on gossip, a concrete definition will be absent.  For example, if reporting a possible crime to the authorities is “gossip,” it’s time to re-examine the definitions.

I heard some really bad stuff about a person once, so I went to the person directly and asked if it were true. Their incredulous response: “You’re asking me to verify gossip?!” Well, I guess, but that’s not gossip. I wasn’t spreading false information, and I wasn’t lying about anyone; I was simply going to the person who was the object of the gossip and asking about some things that very much pertained to my life. I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. However, the Manipulator accused me of gossiping.

When being accused of gossip, don’t be surprised if the Manipulator also blames you for “taking up another’s offense.” Feel free to remind him, respectfully, that sometimes the Bible actually commands us to take up another’s offense, especially when the other person is powerless to defend him or herself.

If you’re accused of gossip, review the Biblical definition, check your heart, and watch out for Tool #3.

TOOL #3: Pride

If the first two tools don’t work, manipulators will often accuse the Target of pride.  Manipulators seem to love the blanket accusation of pride. If the Target disagrees or has her own opinion (of events or ideas), she is arrogant and prideful. A more humble person would see the correctness and rightness of the Manipulator.

This type of accusation puts the Target in an awkward position. The Target can’t really argue back, because that just reinforces the Manipulator’s point. The Target is left with no alternative but to accept this accusation, and thus this is a very useful tool for manipulators.  Furthermore, since we are taught from a very early age that pride is one of the worst sins ever, this accusation carries a lot of weight. We know it’s serious business.

This accusation in particular rocked my world.  I now realize that it was not made in good faith.  It was not made to help me get closer to Jesus; the accusation was made to control me—to control my behavior. And control me it did. For years, I questioned everything I did, everything I said. “Am I being prideful? Does this look arrogant?” It was a life without freedom, a life without grace.

Fortunately, through wise encouragement from older Christians and a good counselor, I was able to see the damage done by the Manipulator. The fear of coming across as prideful or arrogant is still there. The voice of the Manipulator still rings loud and clear. However, I don’t listen to that voice as much as I used to. I’ve realized that some of the things about me that were labeled “arrogant” and “prideful” are in fact gifts from God. Gifts to serve the Church, not sins to confess. I have found freedom.

TOOL # 4: The Blind Spot

Manipulators tend to save this one for last. If they’ve tried everything else and are unable to manipulate the Target, they may simply accuse the Target of “having blind spots.” And if the target denies the existence of a particular blind spot, that’s taken as proof of its existence.

This is the Manipulator’s perfect tool.

Do we have blind spots, spiritually? Yup, probably. And could God use a Manipulator to reveal those blind spots? Maybe. But it seems that confronting blind spots is better done by a caring friend or a close confidant— not a Manipulator who uses the “doctrine” of blind spots as a last resort, with the end goal being control.

Spiritual manipulators are angered and annoyed by people who aren’t easily manipulated. And although anger can be holy, it is one of the surest signs of a spiritual manipulator who’s out of a job. A spiritual manipulator who can’t manipulate is like a gun with a knot in the barrel. So be careful!

Spiritual manipulation hurts and wounds—deeply.  If you’ve been targeted, may God in his infinite mercy restore the damage done. May he provide deep peace and a safe shelter. May you see the character of his heart, washed clean of the manipulators who used God’s words to damage and control rather than to heal and set free.

Grace to you all.

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I originally published this article at Recovering Grace under the pseudonym Mark Andrews. It has been slightly edited for a broader audience. This is my story. I hope and pray that publishing this piece to a wider audience will help at least a few people recognize, heal from, and avoid, spiritual manipulators.