April 13, 1992
Fourteen months have passed. I’m within six pounds of my target weight. I went to Nutri-system. For the most part I’ve not felt deprived — in fact I’ve felt so much better — low sodium, low fat.
A stronghold is something Satan says is impossible that God never said was impossible. I had let this become a stronghold in my life. I feel so sad because I feel like it kept me from wanting to be pregnant and have more children. I think that was Satan’s aim. Finally, I asked God what He wanted me to weigh. What was his plan for my body? Was it possible to have another baby? So far, no baby. But God has shown me that weight loss is a possibility — something I had denied.
Denial, what a huge word that keeps us from the truth about ourselves. I’m still shocked when I see pictures of myself — somehow I don’t ever picture myself that fat! I carry around an image a thinner me, even when the facts aren’t so! I pray that this month, April, I’ll see my goal. As I’ve gotten closer to my goal I’ve gotten lax about my eating, almost as though I’m scared to reach my goal. What will I concentrate on then? Where will all my guilt go? The feelings I’ve felt since I was 13, where will they go? The “I’m fat — I need to be on a diet” thoughts.
I have unsuccessfully tried to lose weight all these years with discipline (unsuccessfully!). But by obedience, it has been possible. What a revelation! I’ve always felt a need to live a disciplined life, but a frustration about how to do it. But obedience? That’s different; I can do that.
November 10, 1992
I got pregnant two weeks after the last entry. I wonder if God was using that time to teach me something. We had tried for 11 months and I really thought it wouldn’t happen again. I’m gaining weight as usual, but I don’t feel any despair about it. I know it will come off quickly after the baby is born. I’m confident that I can diet — aha! No more strongholds. Hallelujah!