February 19, 1990

[Note: These entries are out of chronological order in her journal, with a note from mom that these were “transferred notes.”]

To admit that I am powerless over food is difficult. The facts would say that I am — the fact that I’ve been trying unsuccessfully to lose 20 pounds would indicate a lack of self control. I keep saying to myself, 1) my metabolism has slowed down, 2) I’ve been pregnant 4 times, 3) I didn’t lose the weight after Laura, 4) I don’t get enough exercise (it’s not my fault, I don’t have time!). I’ve been saying these things for the past 10 years. I do not want to diet and count calories. I’ve felt depressed in the past when I’ve done this, and yet that is the solution I’m coming to: self-discipline. I’m scared of it. Self-denial. I don’t want to deny myself of food; it’s comforting.

Please God, help me to put these things together to lose 30 pounds. Show me and teach me self-discipline and self-denial in the area of food. Please change my desires. Help my desire to be thin to be greater than my desire for cookies, ice cream, and candy.

Let me see this as an exercise to learn from you about what you desire for me. Teach me how you want me to eat, teach me your attitude about food for my body.

A Mother’s Journey — table of contents