Weaker But Equal: How I Finally Made Peace With Peter

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by Elizabeth

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I’ve written before about how Paul’s seemingly misogynistic passages were a real stumbling block to me at one time. In that post I mentioned that although Peter said some of the same things Paul said, he never bothered me quite the same way. Whether that’s because I already liked Peter, who kept me laughing with all his mouth-moving-before-mind antics, or because he didn’t write half the New Testament, so that his words didn’t carry the same metaphorical weight, I’m not sure. I only know I should probably have dealt with his household codes before now. So I’m here today to offer you the latest in these apostolic adventures of mine.

First of all let me just say that I probably should have been asking more questions about Peter. For instance, where was his wife on all those missionary journeys?? I knew he had a wife, because I knew he had a mother-in-law, but I never asked the question – or, if I did, I assumed she stayed at home while he gallivanted all over Roman territory. (Perhaps I’d been too influenced by the more modern life of William Carey.)

Turns out, Peter’s wife traveled with him. It’s right there, plain as day, in I Corinthians 9:5 (which begs the question, how exactly did I miss this??). “Don’t we have the right to bring a Christian wife with us as the other apostles and as the Lord’s brothers do, and as Peter does?” So he didn’t leave her at home. He valued her and brought her with him on his travels. (Many thanks to Michael Card for pointing this out in his commentary on Mark.)

Another thing Peter did? He took care of his mother-in-law, something I never questioned but that Card claimed wasn’t Peter’s cultural responsibility – it would have been his wife’s brothers’ responsibility. So it seems Peter valued his wife, and he valued his mother-in-law, and maybe just maybe he wasn’t as anti-woman as I’d always thought, either.

In the past I’d kind of fixated on I Peter 3:1-6, with verses 5 and 6 giving me especial trouble as a trailing spouse:

In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.

Oh I knew that verse 7 existed, but maybe only in the New International or King James Versions, which are much more patronizing.

So anyway, prompted by Michael Card, I went and read all of I Peter 3, including verse 7 in the New Living Translation:

In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.

And this Bible verse, this amazing, freeing, validating, liberating Bible verse, it was neither underlined nor starred in my Bible. WHY EVER NOT?!?! This is a Bible I’ve used for six years. Six years of reading the previous verses and feeling the weight of their burden, but never noticing verse 7 just below them?

These words are such a balm for my soul. Right there in verse 7 Peter calls me, as a wife, an equal partner. An equal partner. And this particular version tells husbands that they MUST give honor to their wives. Must?? That’s a much more commanding tone than NIV or KJV.

So I did what I usually do when a verse strikes my fancy: I looked up the Greek words on Bible Hub.

  • Give — to assign or apportion, to render; from the Greek aponemontes
  • Honor – to accord or apportion honor, pay respect, perceived weight or value, from the Greek timen
  • Understanding – knowledge, wisdom; from the Greek gnosin
  • Weaker – weak, depleted, without sufficient strength (mostly physically); from the Greek asthenestero
  • Equal partner – joint heir, participant, coinheritor; used of believers sharing inheritance with Christ; from the Greek synkleronomois
  • Hindered – puts obstacles in the way of a moving object (this made me wonder, is the thing that the mistreatment of women hinders the movement of the Gospel?); to sharply impede or cut off what is desired or needed; from the Greek enkoptesthai

Basically, Peter is instructing husbands to assign appropriate honor and respect (there it is again, a woman’s heart-need for respect) to their wives, because they are valuable and worthy, and to live with their wives in a wise and understanding way (“It’s not about the nail” comes to mind), because she is a joint heir, co-inheritor, and equal partner in Christ. And why should they do this? So the work of God won’t be blocked or shortchanged in their lives.

Of course Eugene Peterson’s The Message interpretation is even better:

The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground.

But even if you stick with a strict translation and some Greek background, you will not get the same thing out of Peter that I have been getting for years (on the surface): a man at the top calling all the shots. Instead you will get: EQUAL PARTNER. A wife is her husband’s equal partner.

It brings me to my knees in thanksgiving to have a Lord whose gospel of life reframes everything human beings tried to twist His perfect Edenic world into. So I’m now laying to rest my last reservation with Peter. Peter and I can now be completely at peace. And I can now rejoice that Peter — and God — calls me my husband’s equal partner.

What I Want to Teach My Daughters About Married Sex {Velvet Ashes}

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Elizabeth is over at Velvet Ashes today talking about something we don’t talk about very much: sex.

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I’ve been married for 16 years now. While that’s not as long as some of you — and certainly not as long as my husband’s grandparents’ 70 years (!) — it’s still long enough to have seen and heard a lot of marriage advice.

And you know what? Some of that advice makes me cringe. So I can tell you up front: I’m not going to advise you to make sure to meet your husband’s needs by having lots of sex with him. And I’m not going to tell you that the purpose of marriage is to make you holy. (It isn’t.)

What I do want to talk about is walking in sexual wholeness.

How can I possibly talk about a topic as big and complex as human sexuality in a single blog post? While I can’t offer the comprehensiveness or the nuance that a book or a therapist can offer, I’ll give you my basic framework.

These are the things I want to teach my daughters someday: what the foundation for healthy married sexuality is, potential obstacles in the bedroom and what to do about them, and potential temptations outside of marriage and what to do about them.

Read Elizabeth’s 3 points here, as well as her first comment which offers some additional resources.

Go to the small places {A Life Overseas}

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Jonathan is over at A Life Overseas with an important message. (Yes, this is Elizabeth talking; I just loved my husband’s post so much I had to put this plug in here.)

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There are three places that make me feel very small.

  1. Standing at the edge of the sea, watching the never-ending motion as water is pulled by the unseen and unrelenting forces of gravity and wind and planetary motion.
  2. Standing at the foot of a mountain, pondering the historical shifting and breaking that pushed stone into sky
  3. And sitting with a client during pastoral counseling, listening as they delve into the deepest parts, the pains and hurts that few see.

In the small places, I feel inferior and inadequate, unable to change much or make an impact. Do you have those places? Truth be told, those feelings of “smallness” are why I love the sea and mountains; that’s why I seek them out. But I don’t typically welcome those feelings on the job, with clients. Maybe I should.

Maybe we all need go to the small places. On purpose.

Finish reading here.

When fear strikes at night, here’s something you can do

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by Elizabeth

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I was talking with a friend recently when the subject of fear came up – specifically, nighttime fears. And all of a sudden I remembered the nameless, faceless fears of my early twenties. These were the fears that were irrational and nonspecific, feelings more than words. I didn’t always know what I was afraid of, I just knew I was afraid and couldn’t sleep.

Back then, all I knew to do was to sing the name of Jesus, over and over again, until I fell asleep. I had a few songs on repeat in my head. Later I would sing those same songs over my babies as I rocked them. This practice became so much a part of who I was that I didn’t consciously think about it as a weapon for fighting fear until I was in the middle of this recent conversation.

As we were talking, my friend said, “It’s like singing yourself a lullaby. We sing lullabies over our children, why wouldn’t we sing them over ourselves?” That was such a great description of the practice. So I’m going to share with you my lullabies. They’re calming to me but may not do anything for you. However, I think it’ll give you a starting point to find (or remember) your own evening songs.

The first and main song is one we used to sing in college with our friends. This version sounds fairly close to the way we used to sing together. I used to sing the “Jesus” chorus over and over to myself till I calmed down and fell asleep. There’s something so powerful about lifting your eyes up, away from your problems and even away from petitions for help, and focusing on the name of JESUS.

Here’s another one that helped me, though I can’t find any music for it anywhere. It was written by a lady in our Church of Christ circles who sang in a group called Free Indeed:

“Lord give me peace,
I’m feeling all alone,
calm my spirit,
still my mind,
fill my heart with peace.”

It had a really simple melody that I learned one Saturday morning from my youth minister’s wife. She used it when she needed peace and patience as a mama of young children; I used it at night when I couldn’t sleep.

And this last one might seem kind of strange, so bear with me. In middle school choir we sang a song set to words that had been scrawled on a cellar wall during WWII’s Holocaust:

“I believe in the sun even when it is not shining
And I believe in love even when there’s no one there
And I believe in God, even when He is silent
I believe through any trial, there is always a way

But sometimes in this suffering and hopeless despair
My heart cries for shelter, to know someone’s there
But a voice rises within me, saying ‘Hold on my child,
I’ll give you strength, I’ll give you hope. Just stay a little while.'”

The melody and the lyrics are both haunting, and the song has stayed with me all these years. It gives me comfort – though I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it’s when I’m in the dark, alone and afraid, that I need its message most. And it represents the undaunted faith I want to pass on to my children.

I was only 12 when I first learned the song, so I couldn’t understand the full soul-depth of its cries, but I remember watching people in the audience weep as we performed it. Now I know why they were crying. They were living in – or had lived in – a world where the sun wasn’t shining, a world where God was silent, a world where it seemed no one was there. Yet they still wanted to believe.

The version below is the closest I could find to the song I learned:

These days, I rely more on the “Doxology” and the “Gloria Patri” for peace and calm. Many years ago in a ladies’ Bible class I listened to one woman talk about how her mentor had taught her to center herself with the “Doxology” when she felt anxious. (Did you catch that? That was a long stream of women passing on wisdom that I’m now passing on to you.) So now in times of stress, I tend to fall back on:

“Praise God from Whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost”

And this:

“Glory be to the Father
And to the Son
And to the Holy Ghost.
As it was in the beginning
Is now and ever shall be
World without end
Amen, amen.”

If you’ve never sung to yourself at night, I hope this post gives you a new weapon for fighting fear and anxiety. The songs that speak to you in the middle of the night may be different from the ones that speak to me, but I pray you can find your own nighttime lullabies and start singing yourself to sleep.

If you already sing away your nighttime fears, consider blessing someone else by sharing your own songs in the comments.

A Few of My Favorite Things {August 2016}

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August was a whirlwind of a month. I got away for 24 hours with the ladies on my team, which was lots of fun. We had plenty of playdates with friends during our 4 short weeks of homeschool summer. Then halfway through this month, we started school (it’s been going well so far). And this week, I finally got a date with my husband! It was only an hour and a half, but it was the first out-of-the-house date we’d had in 2 months – though it wasn’t for lack of trying! Either our schedules didn’t match our sitters’, or they did but someone got sick. In other news, I’m joining a home school co-op this year and am quite excited about that. ~Elizabeth

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BOOKS AND MAGAZINES

Mark: The Gospel of Passion by Michael Card. I started this Bible study/devotional/commentary and have made some good progress on it. While I really liked Card’s Luke: The Gospel of Amazement, his book on Mark is so much better (for me anyway). It’s teaching me a ton and challenging me to think in new ways. In fact, I often have to put the book down so I can contemplate what I’ve just read. I’ve been surprised by this, as Mark has always been my least favorite Gospel. But maybe it means there were treasures in there all along, and I just never knew it. (You’ll find a couple quotes from the book at the end of this post.)

Songbird by Helena Sorensen. This is the third and final book in the Shiloh series I raved about last month. Cannot tell you how much I loved it.

The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis. This isn’t the first time I’ve read the last installment in the Narnia series, but it’s the first time in a long time, and the first time I read it out loud with my children. And to be honest, I’ve never much cared for this one before. How different was my reaction this time around!

Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis. A new-to-me Lewis book that is as good (and strange) as everybody says. You can read two different responses of mine to both these Lewis books on Facebook here and here.

Because of Winn-Dixie by Kate DiCamillo. Could this book get any more perfect? I think not. The entire thing is a Littmus Lozenge: sorrow mixed in with sweet. (You’ll have to read the whole book to find out exactly what I mean by that.) And don’t forget to read it with a southern accent — this is the book that inspired my daughter to speak in one too.

Psychology Today magazine, July 2016 edition. One of our family’s favorite Saturday morning activities is visiting the book store (especially with no public libraries around here). We peruse the magazine section each time but because they are so expensive, we almost never buy magazines here. This month we made an exception, an exception that was well worth it. Several of the articles provided a scientific defense of important spiritual concepts – things like finding mentors, staying humble, not comparing yourself to others, not letting smart phones destroy your marriage and other relationships, putting down roots and becoming attached to your “place” in a mobile world, even avoiding cohabiting or serial dating before marriage (yes, that last one really was in this secular magazine!).

 

BLOG POSTS ON THE SPIRITUAL LIFE

On Home and Glory: Musings on Daily Life and Divine Destiny by Heidi White. You know I’m a sucker for anything that talks about our longings, and that’s what you’ll find here.

Holding the Long View in Mind by Amy Young. Comforting, hopeful, and so very biblical, all at once.

Women, Trade Self-Worth for Awe and Wonder by Jen Wilkin. This post spoke to the deep places inside me that crave awe and wonder.

“I’ve Always Been a Good Girl” by Marilyn Gardner. I relate to this so very much (and in fact wrote about it earlier this spring).

In Defense of an Ordinary Life by Elizabeth Esther. So very important and so very true.

A Prayer of the Heart in 30 Words or Less by Emily P. Freeman. If these breath-type prayers are what you’re needing, you’ll find more like them from Sarah MacKenzie in the quotes section below.

 

FOR WRITERS

Dear Writer, We Commission You by Idelette McVicker. Go back to this post when you need inspiration. Every time, go back to this.

Mending Thoughts by Jenilee Goodwin. The idea resonates.

The Mental Neat Freak by Jennifer Fulwiler. A very helpful explanation.

Harry Potter, Jesus, and Me by Andrew Peterson, whose music I’ve linked to before (most notably here and here) and whose Wingfeather Saga I’ve just started and which I will probably review next month. This article is long but good — and I’ve never even read Harry Potter.

 

FOR GLOBAL NOMADS

The Gift of Saudade by Marilyn Gardner. More on our longings (and as you know I can never resist that).

The Mother of Modern Missions? by Abby Alleman. With this post, Abby created a safe space for those struggling in the missions community. More important than I can say.

 

FOR PARENTS

Wasted on Children: Keeping Babylon at Bay by Joshua Gibbs. “The more you love a child, the harder you make it for the Babylonians to love them later. The more you lavish on a child, the more the Babylonians will have to lavish on them later— and the Babylonians are, in truth, really not willing to lavish a whole lot.” Dense (like everything from CiRCE Institute).

This year’s *totally official* homeschool permission slip at Brave Writer. The permission we all need to enjoy our children.

How to Protect Your Child from Sexual Abuse and Molestation: A Pediatrician’s Advice at The Mom Creative. No explanation necessary.

 

MUSIC

Thank You by Hillsong United.

There is no one like You
There is no one like You, God
All my hope is in You
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

To Your name
We give all the glory
To Your name
We give all the praise

We Glorify Your Name by Hillsong LIVE.

The highest praise is yours
The highest praise is yours
The highest praise is yours
In all the earth

Healing Grace by Donnie McClurkin. The instrumentation here is a bit dated and slightly different from the way we sang it at church, but oh, these lyrics (reminiscent of The Book of Common Prayer don’t you think??).

Merciful God and Father
Loving us like no other
Hear our prayer
The cry of our heart
As we come to You
We acknowledge our transgressions
We confess to You our sins
Show us mercy and compassion
Touch our lives with Your healing grace
Again

Leave Me Astounded by Planetshakers.

All my hands have made I’m laying down
All that I hold dear, my many crowns
I’ve tasted and seen of Your great love
You satisfy me, You satisfy me

My constant request above all things
Every hour I wake, be near me, oh God
Though I’ve tasted and seen of Your great love
Show me Your glory, show me Your glory

Leave me astounded, leave me amazed
Show off Your glory, let heaven invade
We’re waiting with worship, we’re waiting with praise
For the almighty presence of God to invade

Glory by Hillsong.

Glory to the risen king
Glory to the Son
Glorious Son

Lift up your heads
Open the doors
Let the king of glory come in
And forever be our God

(Apparently glory was a theme for me this month.)

 

PODCASTS, VIDEOS, AND TELEVISION

Yeah. ANOTHER sermon on fear by Nadia Bolz Weber. 12 minutes of fear fighting — but don’t worry, it’s free of the salty language that sometimes accompanies her written work.

Amy Boucher Pye on the Intersection Between Creativity and Faith on James Prescott’s podcast. A relatable conversation on faith, creativity, editing, and writing. And Amy has such a lovely, velvety voice, don’t you think?

Why We Should All Be Reading Aloud to Children, a TEDx talk by Rebecca Bellingham. 10 power-packed minutes of read-aloud inspiration.

The Jim Gaffigan Show. I’m often too serious and in need of laughter in my life. (Of course, if you’ve ever seen me laugh, you know I do it so whole-heartedly that I look and sound ridiculous.) But you’ve read my writing and seen my reading list — there’s some pretty serious stuff here. So my husband recently asked me if I would join him in watching The Jim Gaffigan Show. He’d seen a few episodes and wanted to share the joy with me. It’s mostly clean, and I deep-belly-laughed a lot, which made him laugh even more. Jim and his wife Jeannie aren’t producing a third season due to the very respectable reason that the show was taking too much time from their real-life family, but you can still enjoy the first two seasons.

 

QUOTES

Greg McKeown on the importance of hand-written journals and records:

“Paper is an important technology.”

Somerset Maugham, found in Madeleine L’Engle’s A Circle of Quiet:

“The common idea that success spoils people by making them vain, egotistical and self-complacent is erroneous; on the contrary, it makes them , for the most part, humble, tolerant and kind. Failure makes people bitter and cruel.”

Ann Greve with an explanation that makes a  lot of sense to me:

“We never leave God’s presence, but sometimes we leave God’s fellowship.”

Andrew Peterson in On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness:

“‘Janner,’ Oskar said, ‘there’s more to the world than just seeing it. If you can’t find peace here in Glipwood, you won’t find it anywhere.'”

“All of the passion and sadness and joy of those who listened would into one common strand of feeling that was to Janner like homesickness, though he couldn’t think why; he was just a short walk from the only home he’d ever known.”

“Janner hadn’t realized it, but his cheeks were wet as well. ‘There’s just something about the way he sings. It makes me think of when it snows outside, and the fire is warm, and Podo is telling us a story while you’re cooking, and there’s no place I’d rather be — but for some reason I still feel . . . homesick.'”

Aspirations (or breath prayers) from Sarah MacKenzie in Teaching From Rest:

Oh Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Jesus, my God, I love thee above all things.

Jesus, I trust in you.

My God and my all.

My Lord and my God!

God, come to my assistance. Lord, make haste to help me.

O Lord, increase my faith.

Thou art the Christ, the Son of the Living God.

Michael Card on the “Lord of the Sabbath” incident in his commentary on Mark:

“Lordship by definition knows no boundaries. There is no area of our lives where He is not master. Jesus’ proclamation of lordship should cause us to stop and take account. We need to realize that whatever the facet of our orthodox observance, no matter how correct or biblical, He claims lordship even over that.” 

Here’s something else from Card that stays with me and just won’t go away. It was one of those moments where I put the book down so I could try to absorb what I just read. And I’ve now copied it into my journal not once, but twice. In the passage in Mark 6 where Jesus walks on water and the disciples are afraid, the words Jesus spoke in the original language were actually:

“I AM; no fear.”

I’m struck by both the simplicity of Jesus’ statement, and its power. I’m not sure whether Jesus is making a statement here, as in “Wherever God is, there’s no fear,” or a command, as in “Do not fear.” Maybe it’s both. And maybe that’s why it stays with me.

And lastly, C.S. Lewis in Till We Have Faces:

“I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?”