Grief and Loss

Adding What’s Missing: Merging CPM Principles with Emotional Healing

/ trotters41 / 5 Comments

Read part 1 here: Foundational Ideas for Merging CPM Principles with Emotional Healingplus

For the past six months or so, I’ve been feeling like there was something missing. I’ve had this inkling that it was the Psalms. So, beginning about six months ago, I began reading the Psalms in earnest. I began teaching on the Psalms. I began reading books and articles about the Psalms.

And I’ve come to believe that Cambodia desperately needs the Psalms. I believe the Psalms may in fact provide the bridge for Cambodian believers, helping them connect the Gospel to their heart.

Here are some reasons why I believe this:

1) Cambodians, in general, have a hard time identifying and allowing emotions. This is not a uniquely Cambodian problem, of course, but it is a Cambodian problem. The lifelong practice of denying difficult emotions and burying past hurts and pain KEEPS people wounded. It’s like denying the existence of a wound, or at most, accepting that there’s a wound but just covering it up and never dealing with it.

2) The Holy Spirit uses healed people to heal people. People who have come face to face with a Savior can help people be saved. People who have come face to face with a Healer can help people be healed. I believe that heart-level emotional healing is a major — and often overlooked — part of discipleship.

3) There is so much fear and anger here, and without a robust theology that addresses a biblically adequate response to pain and suffering, Cambodian believers are left to figure it out on their own. What we see happening, therefore, could be explained like this: when difficult or painful emotions surface in a Cambodian believer, his or her core beliefs and values take over. So that, even if a person has “believed” in Jesus for a long time, when hard stuff happens, he reverts to the “old ways” and well-worn cultural paths. The Psalms can begin to etch into the hearts of new believers new responses, new “paths.” The Psalms show the way.

4) For too long we have tried to speak information from our heads to theirs, through seminars, trainings (and trainings and trainings!), and yet we still often see emotional immaturity. It is not the young believers’ fault. Missionaries have done a pretty bad job of modeling anything other than information transfer. In addition to teaching the mind, Jesus also cared for bodies AND hearts.

5) The Psalms speak to core human needs and feelings without resorting to cliché. Often, we use clichés to smooth over human interaction, which can be helpful. However, we often use clichés as tools of avoidance. The Psalms teach us not to avoid uncomfortable feelings. They also teach us to pray even with (or because of) the uncomfortable emotions. They teach us what it means to feel things. Indeed, the range of emotions addressed and allowed in the Psalms is much wider than what we’d typically be comfortable with in our churches.

6) We’ve expected people to follow Christ and “be healed already.” I believe people can choose to follow Christ and be saved immediately, but often, the long work of transformation is just that – long work. It’s made even longer if we avoid speaking to the core of the new disciple; namely, his or her heart.

 

Moving Forward, a Few Questions:

Is it reproducible? I’m assuming here that we don’t want to rely on texts or booklets. The Navigators have produced and translated several booklets on inner healing that might be valuable. However, they require a high degree of literacy, as well as quite a bit of time and training. Perhaps these resources could be further developed and used in modular-type training that remains simple enough that a new believer could take the training and pretty quickly pass it on. In that situation, some printed material would probably be warranted. For now, however, I am assuming the absence of the printed word outside of the Scriptures.

Is it effective? It is very difficult for Cambodians to identify past emotions/emotional pain. Therefore, this whole process hinges on a gentle and reproducible way to help new believers identify their own emotions (past and present) and experience those emotions with Jesus present. To that end, one of the most important aspects of all of this is that the facilitator (or trainer) must not only teach, but model, what’s going on. Put another way, with this material, the trainer must speak from his or her heart. If that doesn’t happen, it will be highly unlikely that this model will yield fruit as hoped.

 

Overview of the Process

Psalm –> Emotion in the Psalm? –> Ever felt that emotion? –> When? –> Ask God to show you first time you felt that emotion –> Ask God if any lie/belief comes from that memory? –> God, what is the Truth?

May be able to simplify this process using body language, which should be easily memorable:

  1. Start with hands, representing reading or “holding” the story.
  2. Move from hands to heart, representing feeling the emotion of the story.
  3. From heart to head, representing the memories of prior experiences of that emotion.
  4. From head to God, representing a turning to God.
  5. From God back to head, representing God revealing lies that were believed.
  6. From head back to heart, representing God revealing Truth to our core.
  7. From heart back to hands, asking God who he wants us to share Truth with.

For a three-minute demonstration, check this out:

1. Psalm

State brief history of Psalms, “prayer book of the Bible,” quoted by Jesus, etc.

Perhaps choose one emotion to look at, but don’t tell disciples what it is. Let them identify the feelings after you’ve told the story and they’ve repeated it several times.

 

2. What emotions are present in the Psalm?

Note: this is by no means an exhaustive list, and there may in fact be more than one emotion present in the story/passage. Again, remember, the goal is not to “teach” the passage in the typical sense, but to allow the disciple to engage with the passage, feeling the emotions that are present. Some of these Psalms show the Psalmist’s response to the emotions, others just leave the strong feeling there, without showing a “correct” response. It’s therefore important that the facilitator NOT try to teach a correct response. Allow the disciple to engage with the passage and hear from God. Of course, if someone in the group begins to grossly misinterpret the passage or surfaces some major theological error, the leader should correct, but this will probably happen rarely.

Guilt: 32, 51,

Embarrassment: 44:9-16

Revenge/Enemies: 5:9-10, 7:1-9, 9:13-20, 10, 13, 23, 28, 31, 35:1-10, 40, 41:4-12, 44:9-   26, 55, 58, 59, 69, 70, 137

Grief: 6:6-7, 31:9-18, 38

Despair: 42:1-5, 77:1-3, 116

Abandonment/Betrayal: 13, 22:1-11, 41:4-9, 55:12-14

Anger: 5:8-11, 139:19-22, 69:19-28, 109:19-25

Fear: 55:4-8, 46:1-3

Anxiety: 38:17-22, 94:16-19, 139:23-24

Feel free to download this PDF of possible Psalms for use in this type of ministry.

Additionally, a story from the Gospels could be used, using as the focal point the emotions of the people in the story. For example, what did the lame man feel before Jesus? What did the woman at the well feel before Jesus? What did Jesus himself feel on the cross? In the same way, after identifying the emotions, proceed to point 3. The goal is to get the disciple to identify the emotions in the story and identify with that emotion. When people aren’t used to seeing emotions, they will begin to answer with facts. They will begin to tell the story accurately, but only factually. It may take some prodding at first, but once the pattern is established, the disciple should be able to quickly identify a possible emotion from the text.

 

3. Have I ever felt that emotion?

It’s a simple question, but powerful. Allow the disciples the time and the space to sit with the passage and their own hearts.

Have I ever been told NOT to feel this emotion? By whom? Why did they tell me that?

Am I afraid of feeling this emotion? Do I usually push away or bury this feeling? What might happen if I begin to feel those feelings?

If these questions generate deep fear in the disciple, it might be appropriate to pause and ask Jesus to provide safety. “Jesus, can you show me a safe place where I can go when I feel afraid like this?” Or, “Jesus, can you show me why I’m afraid to feel this emotion?”

 

4. When was a time that I felt that emotion?

You want the disciple to begin to feel the emotion and not just talk about it. If the disciple stays up in their head, it will be very hard for the process to continue. If they begin to tell a story but they’re only relaying facts, gently ask, “Thank you for sharing that story. What is the feeling behind those facts?” Or, “What did you feel when that happened?” Maybe reiterate that Jesus cares very much about our hearts, and our hearts are where we store our feelings.

Asking something like, “What did that little girl feel when that happened?” or “What did that little boy feel when that person did that?”

As part of this process, the facilitator may ask himself or herself, “What are the feelings behind what the disciple’s saying?” It’s rarely just about the facts. There are usually feelings and needs that are under the surface. If you can identify those and then ask a few key questions that shows the person you really see them, often, the person will begin to open up. That’s not the whole goal, of course. The point is to help them identify their own emotional pain and then take that to Jesus and let him heal it.

– Remember, anger can be a sign that something hurts. Anger may indicate sadness, and is usually a secondary emotion.

– Our emotions are like a bridge, leading us to the place of pain.

– Often, when we experience VERY STRONG emotions or pain, it’s not just coming from   whatever’s going on right now. The roots are probably deeper and from what happened in the past.

 

5. “God, would you show me the first time I felt this emotion?”

Often, our painful emotions cycle back again and again, and there is great benefit from seeing an early experience and letting God speak directly to that. It is not necessary to search and search for an early memory, however, giving God the space and freedom to connect us to a past experience can be very beneficial.

 

6. “God, were there any lies that I began to believe at that time?”

This is probably the simplest concept in any healing prayer ministry. That is, if I believe lies about myself, others, or God, the end result is pain. Satan, as the father of lies, knows this, and longs to keep us living in lies. His power over us is destroyed by Truth.

 

7. “God, what is the Truth that you want me to know about this memory/situation?”

There must be great reliance on the Holy Spirit at this point. The power of a person hearing from God, personally, is amazing, especially when the truth God reveals deals directly with long-believed lies.

Often, simply inviting Jesus into the memory can be very healing. After inviting Jesus to be present in the memory, you may ask, “What do you see Jesus doing or saying?” Ask Jesus to bring truth in whatever way he wants. When He does, and I’ve seen this many, many times, it is amazing.

There is a danger that the other disciples in the group will immediately begin to “problem solve” and tell the person what THEY think God is saying. There may be a time for teaching later, but during this process, advice-giving should be limited or completely absent.

That being said, the small group could be ideal, allowing each individual to process past pain out loud and hopefully to feel loved and cared for by God’s people.

This must always be aligned with what we know of God through the Scriptures. However, God may reveal a picture or a phrase to the disciple that is not directly from the Bible, but that aligns with solid Biblical principles.

To conclude, encourage the disciples to remember whatever it is God has shown them. Is there anything they can do that would help them remember the Truth God revealed? Help them realize the importance of remembering and meditating on the Words of God.

 

Recap

Psalm –> Emotion in the Psalm? –> Ever felt that emotion? –> When? –> Ask God to show you first time you felt that emotion –> Ask God if any lie/belief comes from that memory? –> God, what is the Truth?

May be able to simplify this process using body language:

  1. Start with hands, representing reading or “holding” the story.
  2. Move from hands to heart, representing feeling the emotion of the story.
  3. From heart to head, representing the memories of prior experiences of that emotion.
  4. From head to God, representing a turning to God.
  5. From God back to head, representing God revealing lies that were believed.
  6. From head back to heart, representing God revealing Truth to our core.
  7. From heart back to hands, asking God who he wants us to share Truth with.

 

Resources:

For a pdf of this article: Adding Whats Missing.Merging CPM Principles with Emotional Healing

For a pdf of part 1: Foundational Ideas for Merging CPM Principles with Emotional Healing

For a wonderful description of the importance and necessity of the Psalms in the life of the Church.

 

Amazon Links:

Psalms: the Prayer Book of the Bible, Bonhoeffer

The Case for the Psalms: Why They are Essential, NT Wright

Foundational Ideas for Merging CPM Principles with Emotional Healing

/ trotters41 / 3 Comments

This document was developed for CPM (church planting movement) practitioners in Cambodia. It is my great hope that this article, when combined with Adding What’s Missing, will encourage and enable practitioners in Cambodia and beyond to care about the hearts of people in a new and whole way. It is a work in progress, of course, and I am acutely aware of my limited cultural knowledge and expertise, along with my general inexperience in the realm of church planting. However, these articles are not written from my head, lacking outside input. They form the synthesis of countless meetings, counseling sessions, observations, discussions, and prayers, both here in Cambodia and abroad. As a work in progress, any suggested edits/additions are more than welcome.

May the Bride of Christ in Cambodia grow explosively and mature deeply, in every single village.

——————————————————

You can’t be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature. — Peter Scazzero

Emotional damage from our past affects how we view ourselves, how we respond to others, how we treat others, how we respond to others who touch our pain, and how we view God. It is important that we resolve the emotional areas of pain so that our present relationships will not be negatively affected. Unresolved emotional damage causes us to build walls to protect our heart from further hurt. We do not allow others to get too close lest they hurt us like we have been damaged in the past. Neither can we give love if we have been too emotionally damaged. — John Regier

“Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?” Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.  A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” — Matthew 22:36-40

 

Jesus spoke to the core of people, to their hearts. He connected with the hearts of his audience, and that was relieving for some and threatening for others. He cared about actions, of course, but primarily because actions spring from the heart.

The heart is where we store our pain. We’re also told to love God with our whole hearts, and people too. The trouble is, in order to love God (or people) from our hearts, we have to spend some time down in our own hearts, and that can be scary, especially if we’ve buried and stored a lot of pain down in there.

Our hearts are where we store our pain AND it’s where we experience joy and the deepest form of healing. Jesus doesn’t want us to paint a thin veneer over our hearts, saying “It’s all in the past and I’m pressing on now!” In reality, that’s often just fake, and it’s a way to NOT deal with our deep pain. Like a wound, if you just cover it up with a bandage and say it’s all better, you might feel better for a bit, and others might think you’re fine, but the wound is still there. And it will probably get worse. It needs to be gently exposed and treated.

The great news is that Jesus is the great Healer. He can take care of our pain, our past hurts. He can handle it all, and in fact he wants to. He doesn’t want us living with bitterness and fear and anger and pain.

 

Practically Speaking

Keep in mind, always, that the most important thing required to help someone connect with their own heart is that YOU are connected to YOURS.

Even if people don’t have the words to describe it, they know if you’re just talking from your head. They know if it’s just your mind conveying information. And they can tell when it shifts and you’re speaking from your heart.

Before teaching these ideas, it would probably be a good idea for you to pause and ask yourself, “Why am I doing this? Is it important? What if this impacted this disciple? And then their children? Their community and nation? How would Jesus feel about the disciple sitting in front of me? What would his vision be for their life? Would Jesus want to see them connecting to the heart of the Father, experiencing the comfort of the Spirit, and feeling the presence of the Son?”

These questions should help you connect with your own heart. This is not just about teaching content – this is about watching Jesus heal people through the love of the Father, the power of the Holy Spirit and the presence of Jesus.

These ideas are all somewhat esoteric. Here are some visual aids to help convey these truths. These are designed to set the stage for Adding What’s Missing, and I believe they could be taught to Cambodians who could then teach them to others, and so on.

 

BUBBLESbubbles1

The bubbles represent our feelings/emotions. When they reach the surface and pop, we see them as actions. Sometimes, what we see is an angry outburst or a lustful act, or simple crying. We often try to stop the bubbles from surfacing, either because we don’t want others to know, or maybe because our actions when the bubbles pop are wrong. However, just trying to catch them before they get to the surface doesn’t work very well. We need to ask, Where are they coming from?

What causes me to get angry like this?

What causes me to want to sin like this?

What makes me sad and cry like this?

A big goal here is to be brave enough to trace the actions we see (bursting bubbles on the surface) to the feelings/emotions that cause them (the bubbles) to the box (historical event or pain) that produces them.

Of course, it might be as simple as the person’s sin nature. However, I believe that the general brokenness of our world, plus the specific pain (abuse, neglect, etc.) experienced, exacerbates the effects of our sin nature. For example, looking at porn is wrong and stems from a basic lust of the flesh. However, there are emotional and historical components that can’t be ignored. Jesus didn’t just tell people to “stop sinning.” He cared about their stories too. He cared about their hearts.

 

LANDMINESmine_sign

Even if you can’t see a mine, it can still hurt you. Even if it’s been buried and out of sight a long time, it can still injure you and others. God wants to “de-mine” our hearts, healing us, and making that land usable again.

What happens to land that has mines? It’s dangerous. You’re afraid to go there. Other people are afraid to go there. What can the land be used for? What happens when the mines have been removed? It’s good for farming or planting or building a house. It’s good for so much! What would a landowner feel like after being told that his land has been completely cleared of mines? Would his behavior change?

So, what can be done? First, you have to recognize that there is danger there. Are there things you don’t want to talk about because it hurts too much? Are there emotions or feelings that you often begin to feel and then force yourself to stop feeling? Why? Is it because of fear? If so, that’s very normal and understandable. Jesus wants to give you a safe place to go when you are afraid. And he wants to heal the hurting places.

Have you ever heard someone say, “We don’t talk about what’s in the past”? Why do you think they said that? Maybe they were afraid of the pain. Maybe they didn’t want you to talk about it because that would be like stepping on a mine. So, we don’t ever want to force anyone to talk about something they don’t want to talk about. If a person is not ready, if they do not feel safe even with Jesus, that is their decision. It is wrong to try to force a person to remember something that is painful. If they don’t want to talk about it, that is their decision.

Even so, we can teach that when we bury our pain, it’s like we’re burying landmines. We might not be able to see it anymore, but years from now, it could still hurt us or someone we love.

Jesus wants to bring safety. He wants to locate the mines and remove them so we can live free from fear, with hope and a future. If a person does not feel safe enough to “go there,” it might be good to step back and do some teaching on the heart and character and presence of Jesus. His presence is healing, and understanding how he cares about our fear and pain can be transformational.

 

More Resources:

Read part two: Adding What’s Missing: Merging CPM Principles with Emotional Healing.

For a pdf of this document: Foundational Ideas for Merging CPM Principles with Emotional Healing.

For general resources on emotional health.

For a wonderful description of the importance and necessity of the Psalms in the life of the Church.

Jesus Loves Me, This I Sometimes Know {Velvet Ashes}

/ trotters41 / 2 Comments

This article by Elizabeth was originally published at Velvet Ashes, and is reprinted here in full, with permission.

1j416

I used to think trusting God meant trusting Him for the circumstances of my life. I used to think it meant trusting God for my future. But this past year God has completely overhauled my understanding of Trust.

I’m married to a man who has all the gifts. Seriously. You name it, he’s got it. And as he and his gifts have grown more public these past few years, I began to believe nobody valued my gifts or even noticed them. Nobody saw me, I told myself; they only saw him. I convinced myself the world didn’t want anything I had to offer; they only wanted what he had to offer.

I felt myself disappearing, fading into nothingness. Very soon, I told myself, I would be invisible. Am I important? Do I matter? Does anybody see me, truly see me? In agony I flung these questions into the cosmos, only to have them answered time and again with a resounding NO. No, you’re not seen; no, you don’t matter; no, you’re not important.

I was certain the problem was my marriage. If only I weren’t married to such a massively talented man, I wouldn’t feel this way. If only he would stop shining, I would feel better about myself. I accused him of erasing me and told him I wanted to die. We kept repeating the same irrational conversations.

Then one Sunday last fall I awoke with the sudden realization that the bitterness I held toward my husband was actually directed at God. None of this was my husband’s fault — it was God’s. He was the One who hadn’t given me the desirable gifts. He was the One who was withholding from me. This was no longer about my marriage: it was about my trust in God’s goodness.

Why does the Giver of gifts seem to pick favorites? Why are some people more highly favored? If God loves us all equally, why are His blessings so unequal? Since (by my reckoning) God hadn’t given me the good gifts, I concluded that He must not love me.

That sounds ridiculous, I know. Learning that Jesus loves us is one of the first things we do in Sunday school. When we belt out Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so, we’re supposed to believe it. Except here I was, and I didn’t believe it.

I prayed a half-hearted prayer: God, please, meet me at church today. I’m not even sure I meant it. Then at church the speaker began talking about how God doesn’t pick favorites. From my seat I remember hearing, “He doesn’t like Ernie more than Ann.” I looked up in astonishment and told God, I think You just answered my prayer.

God had spoken to my mind that morning, but my heart still had its doubts. My solution was to try grunting my way into belief. I thought if I just.tried.hard.enough, I could force myself to believe God’s love for me. But head knowledge has a hard time filtering down into heart knowledge, and I was groping in the dark.

A few months later I found myself in a counseling office to debrief my first few years overseas. Conversation soon came to a standstill. I was stuck. The counselor wisely handed me some colored pencils and asked me to draw. I’m an abysmal artist, but I did as she asked: I drew a purple mountain’s majesty, a part of Creation that draws me closer to God.

The counselor asked me what that mountain might say to me. The first words that came to me were “Just Sit.” Then she asked what else that mountain might say to me, and the word “Believe” immediately flooded my soul.

“Believe what?” she asked.

Through tears, I croaked, “Believe that God loves me as much as He loves my husband.”

And with that one word from God, months of striving to grasp His unconditional, all-surpassing, non-partisan Love evaporated. God used a poor colored-pencil sketch to short-circuit my rational brain and reach inside my heart. It was a breakthrough of belief that took me deeper into the love of God than I ever dreamed I’d go.

Shortly after my time with the counselor, I encountered I John 4:16 in the New International Version: “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.” I stopped cold. For me, knowing God’s love came first, and relying on it came afterwards. How could this verse so perfectly sum up my experience of God’s love when it had been written some 1,900 years earlier??

I loved this verse so much I looked it up in other versions. The English Standard Version reads, “And so we have come to know and to believe the love God has for us.” When I looked it up in the Greek, I discovered that “know” implies a personal experience, and “believe” means to trust. I John 4:16 is most definitely my story. First I had a personal experience of God’s love, and now I find I can trust it.

My Brute Force Method had failed. Trying to trust had failed. It was only when I let go and stopped striving that I could actually trust His love for me. So maybe trust is more of a release than a grip. Maybe it’s more of an invitation than an instruction. Maybe radical Trust in God isn’t about my circumstances, but about His love.

Psalm 13:5 declares, “I trust in Your unfailing love.” Trust in His unfailing love is life to me now. I no longer believe the lies that tell me my husband is more valuable than I am. I know I’m loved, and I no longer need to slice through my husband’s heart with my perfectly-practiced, precision-cut lies.The most broken part of our marriage has been made whole. I never thought I’d be able to proclaim that.

I am daily living Paul’s prayer in Ephesians 3:17-19. I’m experiencing the love of Christ, and He is filling my life with His love. I’m trusting in Him, and He’s making His home in my heart. I feel my roots growing down deep into God’s love, and I trust its width, length, height, and depth like never before.

This is the cry of my heart for you today. I pray along with Paul, that “Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Further resources that helped me know and rely on the love God has for me:

The life and ministry of Rich Mullins, especially his song “The Love of God”

Anything by Brennan Manning, especially “Reflections for Ragamuffins”

Beth Moore’s Beloved Disciple Bible Study or book

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is the thing in your life that makes you doubt that God loves and values you as much as He loves other people??

What is God inviting you to trust Him for?

When Grief Bleeds {A Life Overseas}

/ trotters41 / Leave a comment

Today Jonathan is pondering grief over at A Life Overseas. . .

gb

Grief is a powerful thing, echoing on and on through the chambers of a heart.

Loss singes the soul, and death does indeed bite.

We are not the only ones who grieve, to be sure, but those who’ve lived abroad certainly know this to be true: it hurts to leave. It hurts to return. And when others leave, whether by death or call or transfer, that hurts too.

Our stories are the ones written with contrails, straddling continents and seas. And these stories, the good and the bad, the ones that heal and the ones that hurt, must be written. And remembered.

You can finish reading the post here.

Four Tools of Spiritual Manipulators

/ trotters41 / 26 Comments

s

by Jonathan

I grew up in a very conservative subculture of an already conservative homeschool culture, in a pretty conservative stream of the Christian faith. Though I learned much from these experiences and am grateful for them, they laid the foundation for spiritual manipulation later in life. The Manipulators used words and phrases that I had heard before. They seemed biblical and very right, but they were not.

I had been groomed for this. My family of origin was very loving, but that did not prevent me from absorbing patterns of interaction that left me wide open to spiritual manipulation. A foundation had been laid that gave the Manipulators their tools—tools that inflicted deep pain. Tools that I’m just now beginning to recognize.

My hope is that this article will expose these tools and show how manipulators wield them. Many spiritual manipulators follow a pattern. They use the same key words, the same accusations, the same tactics.  Their weapons can leave the Target breathless, alone, and without recourse.  There is no safe place to hide.  If you’ve ever been targeted, you’ll know the pain and confusion these four tools can inflict.

In brief, spiritual manipulators tend to use four tools: they accuse the Target of disrespect, gossip, pride, and having a “blind spot.”  Manipulators love using these four accusations, regardless of their truth. They are easy to drop on people, and usually the purpose is not to bring the Target back to Jesus, but to manipulate the Target and/or protect the Manipulator.

If you are accused of these things, examine the accusations carefully. Seek God’s counsel and the wisdom of trusted friends. It took years for me to recover from some of these accusations, and that only happened after many mature church leaders and friends (and a good therapist) countered and defused them.

TOOL #1: Disrespect

When the Manipulator senses any sort of disagreement or eroding influence, he or she will accuse the Target of disrespect. Manipulators will often start with the accusation of disrespect, hoping the Target will apologize quickly and stop whatever action is “disrespectful.”

Be very, very careful when you hear the word “respect” being thrown around, especially in conflict. In controlling religious circles, it is a magical tool used to shut people up. It is often used by Manipulators to protect those in power, believing that if everyone would just be quiet and “respectful,” it would all be okay. But the trouble is, the minute you have to start demanding respect, you’ve lost it. Yes, of course, we are told to respect those in authority, the government, church leaders, etc. However, that truth is not a prohibition on kindly disagreeing and respectfully bringing up things you see as inconsistencies or flaws.

If you’re accused of disrespect, check your motives, check with some trusted counselors outside the situation, and watch out for Tool #2.

TOOL #2: Gossip

Manipulators will use a w i d e definition of gossip—and apply it liberally.  They love labeling any negative talk “gossip,” even if it’s not. They will preach about it, talk about it, and elevate the sin of gossip to the level of blasphemy. By labeling all talk of this sort “gossip,” they magically remove their own responsibility to deal with the truth.

Be aware that despite all the preaching and teaching on gossip, a concrete definition will be absent.  For example, if reporting a possible crime to the authorities is “gossip,” it’s time to re-examine the definitions.

I heard some really bad stuff about a person once, so I went to the person directly and asked if it were true. Their incredulous response: “You’re asking me to verify gossip?!” Well, I guess, but that’s not gossip. I wasn’t spreading false information, and I wasn’t lying about anyone; I was simply going to the person who was the object of the gossip and asking about some things that very much pertained to my life. I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. However, the Manipulator accused me of gossiping.

When being accused of gossip, don’t be surprised if the Manipulator also blames you for “taking up another’s offense.” Feel free to remind him, respectfully, that sometimes the Bible actually commands us to take up another’s offense, especially when the other person is powerless to defend him or herself.

If you’re accused of gossip, review the Biblical definition, check your heart, and watch out for Tool #3.

TOOL #3: Pride

If the first two tools don’t work, manipulators will often accuse the Target of pride.  Manipulators seem to love the blanket accusation of pride. If the Target disagrees or has her own opinion (of events or ideas), she is arrogant and prideful. A more humble person would see the correctness and rightness of the Manipulator.

This type of accusation puts the Target in an awkward position. The Target can’t really argue back, because that just reinforces the Manipulator’s point. The Target is left with no alternative but to accept this accusation, and thus this is a very useful tool for manipulators.  Furthermore, since we are taught from a very early age that pride is one of the worst sins ever, this accusation carries a lot of weight. We know it’s serious business.

This accusation in particular rocked my world.  I now realize that it was not made in good faith.  It was not made to help me get closer to Jesus; the accusation was made to control me—to control my behavior. And control me it did. For years, I questioned everything I did, everything I said. “Am I being prideful? Does this look arrogant?” It was a life without freedom, a life without grace.

Fortunately, through wise encouragement from older Christians and a good counselor, I was able to see the damage done by the Manipulator. The fear of coming across as prideful or arrogant is still there. The voice of the Manipulator still rings loud and clear. However, I don’t listen to that voice as much as I used to. I’ve realized that some of the things about me that were labeled “arrogant” and “prideful” are in fact gifts from God. Gifts to serve the Church, not sins to confess. I have found freedom.

TOOL # 4: The Blind Spot

Manipulators tend to save this one for last. If they’ve tried everything else and are unable to manipulate the Target, they may simply accuse the Target of “having blind spots.” And if the target denies the existence of a particular blind spot, that’s taken as proof of its existence.

This is the Manipulator’s perfect tool.

Do we have blind spots, spiritually? Yup, probably. And could God use a Manipulator to reveal those blind spots? Maybe. But it seems that confronting blind spots is better done by a caring friend or a close confidant— not a Manipulator who uses the “doctrine” of blind spots as a last resort, with the end goal being control.

Spiritual manipulators are angered and annoyed by people who aren’t easily manipulated. And although anger can be holy, it is one of the surest signs of a spiritual manipulator who’s out of a job. A spiritual manipulator who can’t manipulate is like a gun with a knot in the barrel. So be careful!

Spiritual manipulation hurts and wounds—deeply.  If you’ve been targeted, may God in his infinite mercy restore the damage done. May he provide deep peace and a safe shelter. May you see the character of his heart, washed clean of the manipulators who used God’s words to damage and control rather than to heal and set free.

Grace to you all.

Photo credit

——————————————–

I originally published this article at Recovering Grace under the pseudonym Mark Andrews. It has been slightly edited for a broader audience. This is my story. I hope and pray that publishing this piece to a wider audience will help at least a few people recognize, heal from, and avoid, spiritual manipulators.