Grief and Loss

A Few of My Favorite Things {October 2015}

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by Elizabeth

Ladies’ Bible Class at my mom’s church. I don’t often get a chance to have deep discussions about Scripture with other ladies in real life, and this class has immeasurably blessed me (even though our travel schedule doesn’t allow me to attend all the sessions). We’re going through the Gospels chronologically, and I’ve been reading them through the Biblical Imagination lens that I talked about last month. I’m seeing all sorts of new things in the Gospel accounts, and it’s been fascinating, thrilling, and convicting. On a tangent, tell me your favorite Gospel and why in the comments! Mine has generally been John and not Mark, but I’m seeing each book in a new light now and appreciating each book for what it offers.

Going on regular walks with my husband. We used to walk together all the time, both before and after kids (during the stroller stage at least). But now, being in Phnom Penh, there aren’t a lot of great places to walk. So being able to walk in both my mom’s neighborhood and on some beautiful walking paths has been so enjoyable.

The joy of finding that old friends are still the same. It’s amazing to me that after four years, the people we were close to before moving overseas, we still feel close to. We can slide right back into relationship. We may need to update each other on our lives somewhat, but it’s comforting to know that the years and years we poured into relationships this side of the Pacific weren’t wasted. We’re different; we’ve changed. So have our friends. But I’m realizing that with Christ, our love doesn’t have to change.

The chance to witness Jonathan’s pastoral counseling. I’m not usually in the counseling room with him, but I had the opportunity this month to watch him in action. I was amazed. I had no idea he was so good at what he does. He listens carefully, sees straight into the heart of a person, and has such wisdom in knowing how to help them meet Jesus. All I can say is, um, wow!

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BLOG POSTS

Cloudy with a Chance of Faith by Katrina Ryder. I shared some of Katrina’s work last month. She is someone who definitely needs be on your radar. It’s hard to find someone who is both dedicated to Scripture and brutally honest about real life and raw emotions. Katrina is just such a person, and I so appreciate her writing. Incidentally, because of her discussion of God’s glory being in the cloud, when I got to the Transfiguration with my Ladies’ Bible class, I read the phrase “a bright cloud overshadowed them” with new eyes.

‘What’s wrong with a hug?’ on Christianity Today. So many things to love about this extremely important anonymously-written article. As someone who was abused in this way, I’m so glad someone is bringing attention to it. As someone who “paid the relational price” for trying to deal with abuse in a church setting, I’m glad someone is talking about this. And as someone who is trying to protect her children from abuse in another culture, even when it offends an adult, I’m thankful someone wrote this article.

It Would Be So Easy to Use Money to Solve This Problem. But We Won’t. Here’s Why. by Andy Gray of Alongsiders. I personally know Andy, along with Craig Greenfield, the founder of Alongsiders, and I really respect how they approach money in their ministry. Jonathan and I have first hand experience of “when helping hurts” from back here in the States before we moved overseas. To explore issues of ministry among the poor more deeply, I also highly recommend Craig’s personal blog.

Free Wine by Robynn Bliss. More grace, pure grace (from a blogger/writer I get to meet soon!!!).

Why Connection Matters (More Than Connection Groups) by Amy Young.  “Disconnection was never meant to be our story so God started rewriting it immediately.” I really appreciate how Amy expands the possible areas of disconnection in our lives to include disconnection from God, ourselves, nature, and others. As an aside, I love Amy’s focus on Eden in her writing in general.

When Someone You Love Dies and You are Far, Far Away by Rachel Pieh Jones. “She will be buried well, surrounded by loving family and I won’t be there. . .I am not with those who are mourning. I’m not with those who gather around food and photos and memories. I’m the hole, the absence, the space. I’m not with ‘my people’ to close the door on that life and to look into the faces that have her nose and his chin and to say, ‘I love you. I’m glad you are in my family. I see her living in you. I treasure the legacy I see in your children.’” It continues to amaze me that different people can experience grief from afar so similarly.

Giving Grace to People in Crisis — the Sequel to Stupid Phrases for Stupid People by Marilyn Gardner. Actual, wonderful things to say to people in crisis.

A Final Note for Those in Crisis by Marilyn Gardner. Because it’s ok to offer grace to people who don’t or can’t offer it to us. Which to me, is some of the best news of all.

When God Doesn’t Heal by Tanya Marlow. I think we all need this message sometimes; we all have things in our lives that God just doesn’t seem to heal. We all walk with a limp of some sort. Tanya is deep and you need to be reading her; here’s another good one from her this month.

Here’s Why We Need the “Mentally Different” by Glennon Melton. I love this take on mental illness, and I think it’s true — when we see the world as it really is, it’s so overwhelming that it’s hard to cope. And when we’re fine with the world as is, maybe we’re just not paying very close attention.

When Loneliness Threatens to Swallow You Whole by Elizabeth Esther. “What if my loneliness is homesickness for God? What if loneliness is homesickness for home I’ve rarely known, a home more Person than place?” Breathtakingly beautiful and true.

 

VIDEOS

The orbits of the planets and their moons in correct time ratio (NOT size or distance). Goes through one full earth year. SO COOL.

Forgiveness by Kay Bruner. “Forgiveness says, ‘I want to be free.’ Forgiveness is my job. Healing is God’s job.” I found unforgiveness lurking in my heart this month. As I read through the Gospels with my Ladies’ Bible Study, I kept encountering the words of Jesus to forgive. I had this creeping feeling I was harboring unforgiveness (again, bummer), but I didn’t know what to do with it. I underlined Jesus’ words, I wrote them in my journal, but I knew I still hadn’t forgiven. I watched Kay’s video, I read Anita Mathias’s post on forgiveness. (Anita is another deep thinker and writer from whom I always learn something; you really need to go check her out, too.) Then suddenly one morning I was ready to forgive, to lay it all down again, to release people from their debt to me. It wasn’t a big emotional experience like it sometimes is. It was just a deep sense of peace and a firm conviction of what I needed to do. And so I did it. I felt such a burden lift off me. (By the way, Kay will soon be publishing an e-book on “forgiveness in the real world.” I got to help edit it, and so I can tell you ahead of time how very good and fresh it is.)

 

MUSIC

Adopted by Jeff Bourque. We sang this song in college, and I haven’t thought of it or sung it in years. But it came to me out of the blue this month, and at a time when I really needed its message. A time when I needed to preach the gospel to myself. The song is based out of Galatians 4:3-7, and to listen to it, scroll down the screen in the link several times until you get to “Adopted.”

Hallelujah, God has spoken and I know this changes everything.
Hallelujah, praise Him only sing the slaves adopted by the King.

Glory be to my Father who reigns.
For I met Him and I cannot be the same.
When in bondage to Jesus I came.
He took my place and He changed my name.

I Feel His Love by Laura Hackett Park. Love this song. Again, it came to mind at a time when I really needed it, especially that last chorus. As Laura sings elsewhere, sometimes you “gotta sing your way into the Truth.” Plus I love the story of how she wrote this song.

My faith, it lifts the weight of pain from lonely and mistaken days
Of hiding behind deep dark lies of worthlessness and selfish pride

My faith is my belief in truth that God above loves me and you
And He gave us freedom, He gave us life To walk in love through Jesus Christ

I am confident that neither life nor death can keep me from the love of Christ
Keep me from the love of Christ
And though I cannot see, still my heart believes
And I am filled with joy inexpressible

I feel His love dwelling up on the inside of me
All those years bound in shame, He is setting me free
His love goes deeper than the pain that I feel
His love is stronger than depression and fear

Great Are You Lord by Steve and Vicki Cook. My youth group used to sing this in high school, and I haven’t sung it in ages. But we sang it at church one Sunday morning this month, and I remembered why I loved it so much.

Holy Lord, most holy Lord, You alone are worthy of my praise.
O holy Lord, most holy Lord, with all of my heart I sing.

Great are You, Lord, worthy of praise.
Holy and true, great are You, Lord, most holy Lord.

Oh How I Need You by All Sons and Daughters. Love their message, love their earthy sound.

Lord I find You in the seeking, Lord I find You in the doubt
And to know You is to love You and to know so little else

Great Are You Lord by All Sons and Daughters.

You give life, You are love, You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore every heart that is broken

Great are You, Lord

It’s Your breath in our lungs, so we pour out our praise we pour out our praise
It’s Your breath in our lungs so we pour out our praise to You only

All the earth will shout Your praise, our hearts will cry
These bones will sing great are You, Lord

Tree by Justin Rizzo. Another oldie-but-goodie that came to me this month.

Unmovable, unshakable, let my roots go down deep
Unmovable, unshakable in You

I want to be like a tree planted by the streams of living water

This will be my song God, this will be my prayer
Until the end, until the end

I Need You Now by Matt Redman.

On this thirsty desert ground, in a dry and barren land,
I bow down, I need You now

You will call and I will come, to Your river I will run
I bow down, I need You now

Oh, living water. Oh, God, my Savior,
If I ever needed You, I need You now
Oh, living water, Oh, God, my Healer,
If I ever needed You, I need You now

Eden by Phil Wickham. Phil Wickham’s music has an ethereal, almost other-worldly sound to it. Several years ago his music was my entry point into the more emotional, Spirit-filled music of the International House of Prayer (and others). At one point this month, after not having listened to Phil Wickham for quite some time, I had a sudden need to listen to this song. It expresses my longings so well. (You’re Beautiful is another good one of his.)

When the first light brightened the dark
Before the breaking of the human heart
There was You and there was me

Innocence was all I knew
‘Cause all I had to know was You
We were running underneath the trees

I want to see You face to face
Where being in Your arms is the permanent state
I want it like it was back then
I want to be in Eden

I remember how You called my name
And I would meet You at the garden gate
How the glory of Your love would shine

And I remember when the stars were young
You breathed life into my lungs
Oh I never felt so alive

I want to see You face to face
Where being in Your arms is the permanent state
I want it like it was back then
I want to be in Eden

To be naked and unashamed
In a sweet downpour of innocent rain
I want it like it was back then
I want to be in Eden

Where my eyes can see the colors of glory
My hands can reach the heaven before me
Oh my God I want to be there with You

Where our hearts will beat with joy together
And love will reign forever and ever
Oh my God I want to be there with You

The God Who Wants to Hear Your Story {Velvet Ashes}

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Elizabeth is over at Velvet Ashes today. Here’s a preview. . .

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I’ve always loved the story of Hagar. I simply thrill at her proclamation of “the God who sees me.” I scoop that name up and tuck it into my heart, and I pull it out when I feel alone, lonely, and unseen: El Roi.

I’m sure you all know the story. Sarai’s inability to conceive had prompted her to give her servant girl Hagar to her husband Abram, hoping to have children that way. When Hagar became pregnant, her prideful attitude embittered her mistress Sarai, who in turn treated Hagar so harshly that she ran away. When we meet Hagar in Genesis 16, she was probably heading back to her native Egypt.

Until recently, my main take-away from this story had always been Hagar’s name for God. But there’s something else going on in this passage too, something I’d never noticed before. In verse 8 the Angel of the Lord asks Hagar, “Where have you come from, and where are you going?” God is basically asking her, “What’s your story?”

Read the rest of the post here.

Failing at Fatherhood {A Life Overseas}

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Jonathan is over at A Life Overseas today, talking about how moving abroad ruined his parenting.

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I sat on the floor, weeping.

I was two whole days into living abroad, and I was already losing it.

Those tears portended more, and in our first year overseas, the thing that knocked me down the most, the thing that discouraged and distracted and depressed me the most, was the sense that I was failing at fatherhood.

I loved being a dad. It was a very core part of my identity, and something I really cherished. Moving to Cambodia, I had expected cross-cultural stress. I had expected transition tension and unmet expectations. I had even expected conflict with other missionaries and nationals. But I never thought I’d feel like my identity as a father was being shredded up and burned in the furnace of a cross-cultural move. That was a surprise.

We moved overseas when our boys were six and seven and our girls were one and three.

I suppose my fathering style could have been characterized as, um, B I G. I loved playing with our kids in wide open spaces, throwing things, kicking things, climbing things. We played loud and we took up a lot of space, and that’s how we liked it.

And then we moved to a concrete box with bars on the windows in an urban capital of a developing country. No grass. No yard. No large spaces.

For me, the shift from wide open spaces to urban jungle was rough. I had to adjust, but first I got depressed. Often, it’d happen on a Saturday; I’d wake up just wanting to go outside and throw a football with my kids.

And with the clarity of thought that overwhelms at times like this, I felt like I had moved from a garden to a prison. A prison that was 95 degrees and thick with humidity!

I had traded acres of green for walls of grey. En Gedi for Sheol.

I watched my kids hang from metal bars on windows when they used to hang from giant limbs on oaks. They were happy, but I was dying.

I missed being able to step outside and kick a soccer ball. I missed our fire pit on cold autumn nights. I missed our porch swing. I missed our yard. I missed the way I used to father.

But thank God the story doesn’t end there, with a depressed dad missing what once was. No, the story definitely doesn’t end there…

To read the rest of the story, click here.

A Few of My Favorite Things {August 2015}

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by Elizabeth

Good stuff from this past month. It’s heavy on music, because that was one of the biggest ways I encountered God this month.

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BOOKS

From Good to Grace by Christine Hoover. I finished this book this month. I continued to underline almost every word of every chapter, it was that good. Just brimming with truth about grace, receiving God’s love, the proper place of work in our lives, and how listening to the Holy Spirit eliminates comparison and competition. Do NOT miss this book. I repeat, do NOT miss this book!

 

BLOG POSTS

Convicted but not Condemned by Renee Swope.  I was in a big place of self-condemnation when I heard a sermon differentiating between Holy Spirit conviction and enemy-inspired condemnation. Conviction brings hope, while condemnation brings hopelessness. That was a freeing, new idea to me, and I almost wrote a blog post about it. Then I read this one and figured I didn’t have to. Christine Hoover’s book also touched on these ideas.

The Other Side of Achievement by Chris Lautsbaugh. On his site, Chris writes mainly about grace, so it makes sense that he would write a post about another idea that was discussed in Christine’s book. (It would seem I found grace everywhere this month.)

Sometimes Ministry Sucks: Theology for Wounded Hearts by Anisha Hopkinson. As anyone who’s been in ministry (or church) longer than 5 minutes knows, it sometimes hurts. What to do about the pain? Always, always, always, the answer is to go back to Jesus.

Rested, Restored, Forgiven by Rachel Pieh Jones. Absolutely love this piece. Though I first read it awhile back, something reminded me of it this month (can’t remember what), so I went back and re-read it. I’ve experienced it myself, and I love the way Rachel tells her story. Do not miss this one!

Harmonizing Sadness and Joy by Craig Thompson. One of the things I get to do as editor at A Life Overseas is to read posts before they publish. When I went in to this particular draft to read it ahead of time, I cried through the whole thing. It so perfectly describes the way I mourned the loss of my Grandma this past month.

(See my comment on Craig’s post for a longer explanation of intermingling joy and sadness, and see my comment on this post for another gift from the Father during this time of sorrow.)

I’ll transition into the music section here, because grieving from afar is tough, and aside from Christine’s book, words didn’t do very much for me this month, not even the Bible. Rather, it was music that spoke most deeply to my soul and helped me connect with God again.

 

SONGS

With Everything by Joel Houston. We sang this song at church the first Sunday after my Grandma died. Not very many songs get my hands lifted high, but this one did. My hands reached to the heavens as high as they could when we got to the chorus.

So let hope rise, and darkness tremble in Your holy light,
And every eye will see Jesus, our God, great and mighty to be praised.

With everything, with everything, we will shout for your glory.
With everything, with everything, we will shout forth your praise.

Our hearts they cry, be glorified, be lifted high, above all names.
For You our King, with everything, we will shout forth your praise.

Great is Thy Faithfulness by Thomas Obediah Chisholm. We also sang this classic hymn that Sunday morning. (It’s much better when sung congregationally, but I couldn’t find a modern rendition of this hymn that captured what it felt like to sing it that Sunday morning, so this Chris Rice solo is the best I can offer you.) That morning especially, I needed to join all creation in praising God’s faithfulness, even in the midst of the pain.

“Great is Thy faithfulness,” O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Holy Spirit by Bryan and Katie Torwalt. This song hit me hard. I heard it when we went to another international church to hear one of our teammates preach. While I resonated with the idea of longing for God’s glory and His presence, I also stopped and asked myself the question, what do I long for? What am I hungry for?? The answer: Transformation. I’m hungry for transformation in my own life, in the lives of those around me, and in my host nation. So hungry it hurts sometimes. This Kari Jobe cover of the song best captures the feel of that Sunday morning. (“Feel” is kind of important to me apparently.)

Holy Spirit You are welcome here,
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere.
Your glory God is what our hearts long for,
To be overcome by Your presence, Lord.

Salvation Belongs to our God by Adrian Howard and Pat Turner. As I sat hungering for transformation, this song came to mind, and I substituted “transformation” for “salvation.” Sometimes when I blog honestly about my struggles (and I’m about to get really honest here again), the floodgates open, and other people to tell me their stories, both publicly and privately. I listen to their stories, I absorb their pain, I feel their sorrow. Then, weighed down with grief, I worry over how best to respond. I start to take on the responsibility of fixing their pain with my words. But that’s too much pressure. The idea that transformation belongs to our God lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders. I can love people through my words, but I don’t have to transform anything or anyone. That’s God’s job.

From the Inside Out by Joel Houston.  We sang this Hillsong classic after the Holy Spirit song. I just love it. It speaks of one of my deepest core beliefs: that God’s light will shine when all else fades. And above all else, I want to lose myself in worship of Almighty God. (But sometimes I forget to.)

Your will above all else my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing You praise
Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending Your glory goes beyond all fame

Here I am to Worship by Tim Hughes. Another classic, but one that never gets old. Just love to declare that He’s my God. We sang it a couple weeks ago at church. (This is Hillsong’s version by the way.)

Here I am to worship, here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that You’re my God

Alleluia by Chris Quilala et al. I first heard this Jesus Culture song two years ago at an International House of Prayer conference and fell.in.love. I thought I’d been transported to the heaven. Earlier this month I was feeling really spiritually numb, and when I turned on my worship song mix, this was the song that played first. I remembered all over again that worship is the point of this life, and I started longing for heaven all over again. Also, I didn’t feel numb any longer. I don’t think you can listen to this song without worshiping or longing for heaven.

All the angels cry out, Holy is the Lord God
All the earth replies, Holy are You

Forever by Brian Johnson and Kari Jobe et al. Jonathan had raved about this song to me, but until I sang it in church a couple weeks ago, it just didn’t have the same power. (Congregational singing is also a thing with me, apparently.) I wept through this song. Wept. Jesus is beautiful. What He did was beautiful. You better believe my hands were lifted high on the Forevers and the Hallelujahs.

Now death where is your sting?
Our resurrected King has rendered you defeated

Forever, He is glorified, forever, He is lifted high
Forever, He is risen, He is alive, He is alive

We sing Hallelujah, we sing Hallelujah
We sing Hallelujah, the Lamb has overcome

 

KIDS STUFF

My God is Powerful from Group Publishing’s Everest VBS. If your kids have never attended a VBS from Group, they are missing out! Group writes new theme songs each year whose lyrics somehow always bring me to tears. They also record a few modern worship songs and an old hymn or two, and they set everything to choreography (for the kids). I love the depth of the messages my kids hear over and over again in these songs — lessons I myself need to re-learn.

His Power moves the earth and sky, takes me to the highest heights

My God is powerful.

His power can forgive and heal, crushes darkness, drives out fear

My God is powerful.

Other favorites from this year’s VBS:

I Sing the Mighty Power of God by Isaac Watts (love this hymn!).

I sing the mighty pow’r of God, that made the mountains rise,
That spread the flowing seas abroad, and built the lofty skies.
I sing the wisdom that ordained the sun to rule the day;
The moon shines full at His command, and all the stars obey.

One Thing Remains by Brian Johnson and Bethel. Never get tired of this one either.

Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me
On and on and on and on it goes, it overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never, ever, have to be afraid, one thing remains

International Children’s Bible Field Guide. Based off the translation my parents bought me as a child, this book goes chronologically through the Bible. We got it from our Sonlight curriculum, and we read it for our evening devotionals. It stimulates tons of questions and really in-depth conversations and is a really theologically balanced book, giving room for variations in non-essentials. (Which super-impressed me, honestly.)

A Prayer For My Third Culture Kids

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Earlier this week I shared my expat parenting philosophy on Velvet Ashes. Today I’m linking up with The Grove on Velvet Ashes with a prayer for my TCKs. ~Elizabeth

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I remember reading The Witch of Blackbird Pond together and feeling such a kinship with the main character Kit. She’d lived a life of privilege with her wealthy English grandfather on the island of Barbados, but when he died, she discovered his large debts. In order to pay them all, she then sold all his belongings.

After that she didn’t know what else to do, so she booked a passage to New England, where some of her Puritan relatives lived. Her cousins’ conservative lifestyle and religious customs were completely alien to her. When the ship docked on the shores of Connecticut, Kit realized “There was something strange about this country of America, something that they all seemed to share and understand and she did not” — a TCK moment if ever I saw one.

Kit suffers intense culture shock. She’s already grieving the loss of her grandfather, and she now doesn’t fit into Puritan culture. In some ways she’s even rejected by the community. She doesn’t understand their religion or their worldview, and friends are hard to find. Her uncle is particularly cold towards her, and she’s never performed such difficult, backbreaking labor before. New England winters are brutally cold and long. She misses leisurely tropical island life in Barbados: the heat, the sunshine, swimming in the ocean, her grandfather’s extensive secular library.

But she grows to love her extended family. She even grows to love the beautiful fields nearby. Towards the end of the book, Kit attends a wedding. She thinks about how she doesn’t fit in in New England, even though she loves the people and the place: “An almost intolerable loneliness wrapped Kit away from the joyous crowd. She was filled with a restlessness she could not understand. What was it that plagued her with this longing to turn back?”

wbbShe had previously decided to return to Barbados and search for work there, but as she continues reflecting on both her old life and her new life, she realizes she can’t go back to the way life was with her wealthy grandfather. Her two cousins have both fallen in love, and she realizes that she has as well — only the man she loved wasn’t a Puritan permanently rooted to the Connecticut soil. He was a sailor, a migratory man, a man of good character, a free spirit like herself. And he loved her back. “Home” for her would be anywhere he was. Marrying him would mean continually traveling between Barbados and Connecticut, always on the move, but always with him. Literally, and not just figuratively, she was going to live in the In Between.

Our Sonlight curriculum chose this novel for its relation to the Salem Witch Trials in early American history, but for me it turned out to be a metaphor for the life of the TCK. Crossing cultures, never completely identifying with one culture, never fully belonging, always grieving a loss of some sort, but needing, so desperately needing, someone to love, care for, and understand her. So with that story in mind, I offer this prayer:

 

My child, I’m well aware that in this life, not everyone gets married.

But should you happen to marry, first and foremost I pray you will marry a fellow lover of Jesus.

And then — oh then I pray you will marry someone who feels at home in the In Between spaces, who knows how to live in the margins of life, who’s comfortable crossing over and blending in, even if never quite fully.

I pray you will marry someone with a wide view of the world, who doesn’t think you’re crazy for your wide view, either.

I pray you will marry someone who looks to God for full identity and belonging, someone who will understand your need to do so as well.

I pray you will marry someone who understands the pain of separation and of goodbyes, someone who shares your yearning for heaven.

I pray you will marry someone who understands that love is the best kind of medicine for a hurting heart and who knows how to give it.

That person doesn’t have to be a TCK, though they might be. Your Papa isn’t a TCK, but he understands loss and living in the fringe. He understands love and nuance.

So I pray for you to experience what I have experienced myself: that your heart will be fully understood and accepted, fully loved and wanted, fully celebrated and cared for.

I pray you will have many years of adventure together, tasting of a perfect heaven here on a very imperfect earth, each year growing ever closer to our God and to each other.

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